When I Knew

I came across a new blogger's site tonight, and her post reminded me of a story.

I thought I wanted to have a baby.  On my own, even.  But then I became a Big Sister to a significantly disadvantaged kid.  And that wasn't going so well.  So I decided that I really liked my single lifestyle, I really liked not having to be responsible for anyone but myself (and the dog and the cat), I really liked doing nothing all summer but laying next to the apartment complex pool being drunk and listening to bad radio.

And that's when it happened.  A drunken escapade with the ex-boyfriend, and I got knocked up.

Probably already pregnant here, just didn't know yet.

My dad and I went to a local park for a walk.  He had been so great when I told him the news.  He held his hand out to me and said "everything will be okay" and I melted.  So it took me by surprise that he took advantage of our alone time to suggest to me that I needed to really evaluate what having a child would be like, and decide if that's what I wanted.  Because if I wanted to decide NOT to do this, it's better to make that decision sooner rather than later.

I admitted to my therapist days later that I was shocked that my dad would suggest that I might have an abortion.  She also discussed it like it was a decision to be considered.  I left her office actually wondering if I really wanted to be pregnant after all.

I was still pondering these conversations one afternoon that week while driving from a meeting at one campus of the college where I taught back to the campus where my office was located.  While driving a little too fast on a curvy road (at 1 pm in broad freaking daylight) I come around a curve to a deer running across the road.  I managed to slow the car slightly, but I still hit the deer with the front passenger corner of my car.
I am an animal lover.  Things like this upset me to a very extreme degree.  I immediately became hysterical.  Like, screaming in the car and freaking the total F out hysterical.  I kept driving, and kept screaming.  And then a thought.

Calm down, or you'll hurt the baby.

That was the moment I knew.  I wanted to be pregnant.  I wanted to have this baby.  This is what I had wanted all along. 

Immediately, I calmed down, and finished driving to campus.  I was still shaking, I was still a little upset, but I knew I had to try to relax.  I called my dad to tell him what had happened.  I called the police to come and do a report for my insurance.  (Since I left the scene they wouldn't.) 

I was only about 8 weeks pregnant at the time.  I hadn't told anyone at work.  I hadn't told anyone except for very close friends and my mom and dad.  So I couldn't walk into the building and tell people that I hit a deer but I shouldn't be upset because of the baby.  I don't keep things to myself very well, but I did keep that.

I think shortly after that was when I started rubbing my belly.  I didn't know she was a girl yet.  I didn't know how I would do it.  I just knew that I really really really really wanted to.