I don't know alot about kids.
I don't have friends that had kids. Before having my baby, all my friends spent their free time drunk at our apartment pool.
Now, I have friends with kids. But mostly kids that are my kids age, because I met said friends mostly through having said kid.
Last year my little one turned one year old. I knew I was supposed to have a birthday party to celebrate. I was trying to wrack my brain to think about how to celebrate in a way that would be meaningful to her, a one-year-old. I came up with nothing. I don't know much about kids birthday parties. Other than, you should have cake. You should always have cake.
Two weeks after our party, complete with dorky jungle theme, a fellow blogger celebrated her own daughter's first birthday. She brought in large group drums and egg shakers, the same kind we use at music class, the same kind that my kid loves, and did drumming and singing, among other cool age-appropriate activities.
I slammed my hand against my forehead. Of course. That's it! I should have had a music-class-like party, since my kid loves music class.
I feel like I'm a step behind on this whole "kid party" thing. I feel like other mamas have been going to - and having - these parties and they're all experts and here I am, shopping at Target and going "treat bags, what the hell are those? Why would anyone hand out dog treats at a kids party?"
It doesn't help that Spring Semester will always be the death of me. No matter how well prepared I am, no matter what kind of students I have, by this time of year I have a creeping exhaustion that no amount of spring break can cure. Why the universe decided that my kid should come at this time of year, and why I will perpetually have to plan her birthday celebrations this time of year, is beyond me. But I'm doing it. By jove, I'm doing it. I got her photo taken on a custom-designed set, and had the photo made into a party invitiation. I got the damn things all sent out, even the two that fell under the couch. I passed out some at her daycare. I'm ordering the cake today. She's getting a awesome present from me, and related items from others, that I think she will love. I've invited 100 freaking people and I'm really hoping the weather is nice so they're not all standing in my living room for three hours. I'm doing it. I'm planning it.
Yesterday at pickup at daycare I saw The Dude's mom. "I have been meaning to call you. I wanted to let you know that The Dude will be at Wee One's party!". "Oh, great!" I exclaim to the leggy, raven-haired, thin, beautiful mother.
Oh, great.
The party was just going to be some-number-of-people (hopefully fewer than 100) cramming into my house, garage, driveway, front yard, and back yard, eating some food, bringing some presents, eating some cake. I wasn't going to do games, I wasn't going to do treat bags, I wasn't going to do anything that required organization.
But now that there are Other Mothers coming, and now that there are Daycare Providers coming, I suddenly feel the pressure to have a "real" party. Like, with treat bags and games and shit.
She's two. They're two. What does it matter?
But, what will the Mothers and Daycare Providers think? It has to be organized, right? It has to be age-appropriate, right? What will The Dude's thin, leggy, raven-haired Mother think when she comes and there are 100 crazy people milling around and there is Nothing For Her Kid To Do? Except eat cake.
I do have sidewalk chalk, they can color on the driveway.
I do have a Thomas DVD (The Dude loves Thomas. He even gave Wee One his Thomas to play with one morning. I think it's True Love) that they can watch.
I do have a plastic toddler-sized slide thing in the backyard they can play on.
I do, logically, understand that it doesn't matter a damn.
Then why am I freaking out so damn much about this stupid party?
Gotta run, I have a cake to order ...
--
Seriously, do I need treat bags? And what goes in them? (Say "treats" and I'll kill you.) What is essential to have at a birthday party for a two-year-old?
Showing posts with label Dr. Crazy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dr. Crazy. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Just Busy, That's All
I still love you people, I swear. I'm just busy. Like, BUSY.
When I was planning out my classes for my Master's degree, and planning out my tenure notebook, I realized that with just a little tweaking, I could get them to coincide. I could be finishing my Master's in Higher Education Administration at the same time I was being evaluated for tenure. (1) That would look great to the folks evaluating me for tenure, I would think, and (2) in the event that I don't get tenure and instead get a terminal contract, it will look good on a resume for another job search.
The tweaking would consist of doubling up on courses for two semesters. That shouldn't be a big deal. Taking one course by itself was kindof a breeze. There was alot to read, sure, so I read before bed at night. A few comments on the discussion board, a paper here and there, it wasn't that big of a deal to work into my normal schedule.
That professor was teaching another class, so I decided to continue with her. Also, my advisor was teaching a class - both online and on campus. She tried to talk me into the on-campus section, but my mom already watches my kid one to two days a week as it is, so wanting her to babysit - and do bedtime stuff - an additional night a week would be alot to ask. Especially since the same class by the same professor would also be offered online.
I registered for one class and waitlisted the other class. Meanwhile, I found out my overload class didn't make, so I'm not teaching an extra class myself this semester. I thought it would be the perfect semester to give the "doubling up" a try when I was moved from the waitlist into the second class.
Oh. My. Gawd.
The professor from last semester is still great. The class is organized in much the same way. There is alot of reading - the class is on resource management in higher ed, so that's expected - but it's not anything that's too unreasonable.
The advisor's class is the class from hell. It's interesting - which is about it's only redeeming value. Her discussion board assignments aren't just "discuss topic x". They are things like this:
Eddy makes the point that institutional fit is the critical concern for those involved in a leadership search. That means not only understanding the instutional culture and mission, but finding out the multideminsional ways a new leader might approach institutional goals or challenges.
For this assignment, you're going to construct another table. It's purpose is to develop interview questions for a presidential search based on the literature (leadership research).
1. Find an ad for a president position at some college or university. Again, the Chronicle is your best source. As soon as you determine which position you're going to use, post it here -- a "got it" post. For example, "I'm using the search for a President at Moberly Area Community College in Moberly Missouri." There should be no overlap -- in other words, no two people should use the same presidential search.
Do a little leg work and find out the basics about the institution. Ipeds can't be beat as a source of basic information! You might look for their strategic plan online or cruise their web site.
2. Column one should list an aspect of effective leadership and be a reference to a source. For example, Birmbaum says that constituencies must support the president for a president to be effective. Specifically, he names trustees, faculty, and administrators. Each of these constituencies might represent a separate box in your table (e.g., "Birmbaum (1992) Trustee support as a measure of public interests or community support"). Don't just use Birmbaum! Be sure to think about what the other sources are saying about effective leadership.
3. Column two should bullet the specifics about the institution that are relevant to the aspect of effective leadership. For example, at community colleges trustees are often locally elected so a president with a history of forming relationship in local areas with local employers will be important. By contrast, trustees at regional colleges are often appointed by the governor, so a president with a history of forming relationships in government and philanthrophy will be important. Column two should list specifics from the institution and the institutional context!
4. Column three should name the question (not always in question format) you'll ask given the the first two columns. For example, "Describe your experience forming partnerships with regional employers around program planning" for a community college search with lots of vocational programs. You may ask more than one question in this box, but no more than three. If you need more than three, break it apart into different rows.
5. Column four should name expected answers given the other columns. What ideally would the candidate say in response to the question?
6. Conclude by making some general comments. What important points rise to the top for you when thinking about effective leadership?
That's what I worked on last week while grading 120 essay exam questions, preparing for my Division Chair interview, and discussing the high tuition/high aid model in the other class. This week's assignment is:
This week we go to the heart of the difference between leadership in business or military and college or universities. Traditionally universities have been faculty lead and faculty governed. Faculty not only contribute to conversations around decision-making, they often cast the deciding vote. When a faculty takes a vote of "no confidence," boards often fire presidents. Faculty support is critical to leadership effectiveness.
Read the assigned chapter and articles then construct an argument using the Toulmin framework about faculty governance and the degree to which faculty should govern at a modern college or university. So, you'll need a claim, because clauses (based on the data -- assigned readings or other sources), a qualifier (the degree to which your claim is true) and a rebuttal -- name the counter arguments
I have to give 4 lab exams (and by give I mean: write, set up, monitor for cheating, take down, repeat three more times, grade them all) and get ready for my road trip with a toddler at the end of the week. Meanwhile I'll have yet another assignment to work on immediately after getting home, and a paper, both of which are due three days after my vacation. When the exams are supposed to be graded.
So basically the "doubling up" idea? Was a bad one.
Which is why you haven't seen me around these parts lately. It would just be me complaining about the havoc my hormones are wrecking on my body, so it's probably good that I've been quiet!
When I was planning out my classes for my Master's degree, and planning out my tenure notebook, I realized that with just a little tweaking, I could get them to coincide. I could be finishing my Master's in Higher Education Administration at the same time I was being evaluated for tenure. (1) That would look great to the folks evaluating me for tenure, I would think, and (2) in the event that I don't get tenure and instead get a terminal contract, it will look good on a resume for another job search.
The tweaking would consist of doubling up on courses for two semesters. That shouldn't be a big deal. Taking one course by itself was kindof a breeze. There was alot to read, sure, so I read before bed at night. A few comments on the discussion board, a paper here and there, it wasn't that big of a deal to work into my normal schedule.
That professor was teaching another class, so I decided to continue with her. Also, my advisor was teaching a class - both online and on campus. She tried to talk me into the on-campus section, but my mom already watches my kid one to two days a week as it is, so wanting her to babysit - and do bedtime stuff - an additional night a week would be alot to ask. Especially since the same class by the same professor would also be offered online.
I registered for one class and waitlisted the other class. Meanwhile, I found out my overload class didn't make, so I'm not teaching an extra class myself this semester. I thought it would be the perfect semester to give the "doubling up" a try when I was moved from the waitlist into the second class.
Oh. My. Gawd.
The professor from last semester is still great. The class is organized in much the same way. There is alot of reading - the class is on resource management in higher ed, so that's expected - but it's not anything that's too unreasonable.
The advisor's class is the class from hell. It's interesting - which is about it's only redeeming value. Her discussion board assignments aren't just "discuss topic x". They are things like this:
Eddy makes the point that institutional fit is the critical concern for those involved in a leadership search. That means not only understanding the instutional culture and mission, but finding out the multideminsional ways a new leader might approach institutional goals or challenges.
For this assignment, you're going to construct another table. It's purpose is to develop interview questions for a presidential search based on the literature (leadership research).
1. Find an ad for a president position at some college or university. Again, the Chronicle is your best source. As soon as you determine which position you're going to use, post it here -- a "got it" post. For example, "I'm using the search for a President at Moberly Area Community College in Moberly Missouri." There should be no overlap -- in other words, no two people should use the same presidential search.
Do a little leg work and find out the basics about the institution. Ipeds can't be beat as a source of basic information! You might look for their strategic plan online or cruise their web site.
2. Column one should list an aspect of effective leadership and be a reference to a source. For example, Birmbaum says that constituencies must support the president for a president to be effective. Specifically, he names trustees, faculty, and administrators. Each of these constituencies might represent a separate box in your table (e.g., "Birmbaum (1992) Trustee support as a measure of public interests or community support"). Don't just use Birmbaum! Be sure to think about what the other sources are saying about effective leadership.
3. Column two should bullet the specifics about the institution that are relevant to the aspect of effective leadership. For example, at community colleges trustees are often locally elected so a president with a history of forming relationship in local areas with local employers will be important. By contrast, trustees at regional colleges are often appointed by the governor, so a president with a history of forming relationships in government and philanthrophy will be important. Column two should list specifics from the institution and the institutional context!
4. Column three should name the question (not always in question format) you'll ask given the the first two columns. For example, "Describe your experience forming partnerships with regional employers around program planning" for a community college search with lots of vocational programs. You may ask more than one question in this box, but no more than three. If you need more than three, break it apart into different rows.
5. Column four should name expected answers given the other columns. What ideally would the candidate say in response to the question?
6. Conclude by making some general comments. What important points rise to the top for you when thinking about effective leadership?
That's what I worked on last week while grading 120 essay exam questions, preparing for my Division Chair interview, and discussing the high tuition/high aid model in the other class. This week's assignment is:
This week we go to the heart of the difference between leadership in business or military and college or universities. Traditionally universities have been faculty lead and faculty governed. Faculty not only contribute to conversations around decision-making, they often cast the deciding vote. When a faculty takes a vote of "no confidence," boards often fire presidents. Faculty support is critical to leadership effectiveness.
Read the assigned chapter and articles then construct an argument using the Toulmin framework about faculty governance and the degree to which faculty should govern at a modern college or university. So, you'll need a claim, because clauses (based on the data -- assigned readings or other sources), a qualifier (the degree to which your claim is true) and a rebuttal -- name the counter arguments
I have to give 4 lab exams (and by give I mean: write, set up, monitor for cheating, take down, repeat three more times, grade them all) and get ready for my road trip with a toddler at the end of the week. Meanwhile I'll have yet another assignment to work on immediately after getting home, and a paper, both of which are due three days after my vacation. When the exams are supposed to be graded.
So basically the "doubling up" idea? Was a bad one.
Which is why you haven't seen me around these parts lately. It would just be me complaining about the havoc my hormones are wrecking on my body, so it's probably good that I've been quiet!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
No Answers, Only Questions
The semester begins tomorrow. Yes, I have been back at work for a week preparing and attending meetings, but classes actually begin tomorrow.
I have been thinking alot about work. My first full-time faculty position was basically my first "real" job after earning my Ph.D. It depends on if you count a postdoc and adjunct teaching as a "real job", which many people (including myself, sometimes) don't.
I started out teaching at a very small community and technical college that was trying to find its way after the reforms our state put in place. I was the only person that taught my subject area for several years, so I could help build the department (with lacking budget, of course.) It was a very valuable experience. One of the biggest things I've learned since I left there? Is how unique an experience it was.
I really want to go back.
So now I'm at a large urban community and technical college, the second oldest and the largest in the state. With a huge, established, aging faculty. I teach on a campus separate from my entire department. Despite being in my second year there, many people don't seem to know who I am. I feel isolated much of the time.
I never said goodbye at my old place. I went on maternity leave earlier than expected because of my health issues. I left the Friday before Spring Break with most of the college not knowing that I wouldn't be returning until after the birth. Which is when I decided that it would be easier to stay close to my parents, so I never went back at all.
Then there is the matter of the students. I'm not sure what's different there. I still teach students going through an intensive selective admissions process for allied health courses. I still teach a content-rich, academically rigorous course. I actually have fewer students per class than I did before, and overall slightly less of a teaching load than where I was before. (Significantly less than what I would be teaching under their new workload policy instituted just before I went on maternity leave.) But my experience over the last three semesters included less respect and responsibility, and more of an expectation on me to handhold, than where I was previously.
I usually do my self-examination and reflection at the beginning of the academic year. I find myself revisiting that process in my mind after the stresses of last semester. I'm working quite hard on the process of tenure, to be secure in this position for my and my child's future. So why do I complain so much about (at, at times, loathe so much) the very job I'm trying to earn security for?
I don't have an answer. This isn't your tidy little post with background, the crux of the question, and a neat little answer tied up in a bow. It's just angsty self examination at its finest. Sorry if you're disappointed.
I've also been thinking alot about codependency. In normal development, humans move from a state of complete dependence, to acquiring independence, to being capable of healthy interdependence. (I got that from a book, either a Pia Mellody or a Melody Beattie, my two favorite authors on the subject of codependence.) I find myself struggling with the healthy interdependence part in many areas of my life. I feel like I went from dependence, to independent, and never learned the third step. I spent 18 years as independent as I could, and now I'm back home. In a place that I honestly never expected to live ever again in my life.
There's other, more tangential and infrequent, thoughts in my head too. About personal power - how you feel vicitimized when you feel powerless. The more of your own power you can possess the less victimized you might feel. But how does one do that in a way that is respectful of others? About group dynamics - how strong emotions like anxiety seem to spread through a group of isolated individuals. What is my responsibility as a faculty member for helping to manage that? What is my responsibility for helping with group cohesion - before the group gets unruly and turns on me for what they feel are unreasonable expectations?
I guess it all boils down to: how do I start the semester off feeling positive? Because I know with the weather/season, the stress, the obligations, the students, etc, that if I don't start off high, then I'll end up really really low. And I don't have an answer to how to do that.
So today I'm cleaning. Which isn't helping because my toddler is trying to "help". And every time I turn my back a bucket of soapy water gets overturned or the pile of dirt I just swept up is scattered by her sweeping efforts. It almost seems symbolic - I'm trying to create order which is immediately turned into disorder.
I have been thinking alot about work. My first full-time faculty position was basically my first "real" job after earning my Ph.D. It depends on if you count a postdoc and adjunct teaching as a "real job", which many people (including myself, sometimes) don't.
I started out teaching at a very small community and technical college that was trying to find its way after the reforms our state put in place. I was the only person that taught my subject area for several years, so I could help build the department (with lacking budget, of course.) It was a very valuable experience. One of the biggest things I've learned since I left there? Is how unique an experience it was.
I really want to go back.
So now I'm at a large urban community and technical college, the second oldest and the largest in the state. With a huge, established, aging faculty. I teach on a campus separate from my entire department. Despite being in my second year there, many people don't seem to know who I am. I feel isolated much of the time.
I never said goodbye at my old place. I went on maternity leave earlier than expected because of my health issues. I left the Friday before Spring Break with most of the college not knowing that I wouldn't be returning until after the birth. Which is when I decided that it would be easier to stay close to my parents, so I never went back at all.
Then there is the matter of the students. I'm not sure what's different there. I still teach students going through an intensive selective admissions process for allied health courses. I still teach a content-rich, academically rigorous course. I actually have fewer students per class than I did before, and overall slightly less of a teaching load than where I was before. (Significantly less than what I would be teaching under their new workload policy instituted just before I went on maternity leave.) But my experience over the last three semesters included less respect and responsibility, and more of an expectation on me to handhold, than where I was previously.
I usually do my self-examination and reflection at the beginning of the academic year. I find myself revisiting that process in my mind after the stresses of last semester. I'm working quite hard on the process of tenure, to be secure in this position for my and my child's future. So why do I complain so much about (at, at times, loathe so much) the very job I'm trying to earn security for?
I don't have an answer. This isn't your tidy little post with background, the crux of the question, and a neat little answer tied up in a bow. It's just angsty self examination at its finest. Sorry if you're disappointed.
I've also been thinking alot about codependency. In normal development, humans move from a state of complete dependence, to acquiring independence, to being capable of healthy interdependence. (I got that from a book, either a Pia Mellody or a Melody Beattie, my two favorite authors on the subject of codependence.) I find myself struggling with the healthy interdependence part in many areas of my life. I feel like I went from dependence, to independent, and never learned the third step. I spent 18 years as independent as I could, and now I'm back home. In a place that I honestly never expected to live ever again in my life.
There's other, more tangential and infrequent, thoughts in my head too. About personal power - how you feel vicitimized when you feel powerless. The more of your own power you can possess the less victimized you might feel. But how does one do that in a way that is respectful of others? About group dynamics - how strong emotions like anxiety seem to spread through a group of isolated individuals. What is my responsibility as a faculty member for helping to manage that? What is my responsibility for helping with group cohesion - before the group gets unruly and turns on me for what they feel are unreasonable expectations?
I guess it all boils down to: how do I start the semester off feeling positive? Because I know with the weather/season, the stress, the obligations, the students, etc, that if I don't start off high, then I'll end up really really low. And I don't have an answer to how to do that.
So today I'm cleaning. Which isn't helping because my toddler is trying to "help". And every time I turn my back a bucket of soapy water gets overturned or the pile of dirt I just swept up is scattered by her sweeping efforts. It almost seems symbolic - I'm trying to create order which is immediately turned into disorder.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Rather Bah Humbug
I don't understand why I can't get into the holiday spirit. Last year I was hyped for weeks about Christmas.
However, last year I had a new baby, I had a new house, I had the awesomest of awesome suprises that I was pulling off on my mom and dad, so it was easy to get into the spirit.
I usually get SAD (seasonal affective disorder, aka Winter Depression) to some degree every year. Usually, tho, it doesn't rear its ugly head until sometime in February. Usually that's about the time that snow days have completely snarled any syllabus schedule I handed out at the beginning of the semester, and I just throw up my hands and start asking how many days until Spring Break, and then how many days until May.
This year, I started getting the day-counting attitude before Fall Semester was even over with. I found it hard to be motivated to go to work, which is something that hasn't happened to me in years.
I thought I would feel better (i.e. less grumpy, more motivated about the holiday season) once I was done with finals. But even the hurrah of posting grades, then the hurrah of the college being closed for the next two weeks [so I can't even go into work if I want to] didn't lend itself to ho ho ho-ing.
I feel exhausted all the time. I go to bed at 9:00 or 10:00 most nights, and usually sleep pretty well. But when my daughter first cries at 5:45 or 6:00, I still feel exhausted. By 9:00 I'm wondering how long until her naptime, because I might nap too.
It's so bad, I don't even get excited about cloth diaper laundry anymore. Most of our pocket diapers are repelling or leaking badly, so we have to change pants almost every time we change a diaper. And I haven't even felt like dealing with the issue. (Hey, I put a squirt of Dawn in the washer, and it didn't help. I'm not sure what to do beyond that other than hand wash each one individually, or start boiling the damn things, so we're just going with what we've got at the moment.)
I had stopped all form of vitamins and supplements after weaning. I had taken those damn prenatal vitamins and fatty acids every day since I found out I was pregnant in August 2008. I needed a break from daily obligation. I started taking them again, but that hasn't helped much.
I'm eating pretty well. Have to, with the Wee One around. Any junk she sees, she wants. I've been eating cereal for breakfast, soup and grilled cheese for lunch, and our vegetarian offerings most nights for dinner. So I don't think it's eating that's causing it.
I had the house pretty cleaned. I had bought stuff for baking, since I wanted to start a holiday tradition with some recipes that I wanted to make with my girl. First I couldn't motivate myself to actually do the baking. I felt like I needed to have the tree up and the house decorated first. When that obviously wasn't going to happen, and when the snow came along making a perfect day for baking, we tried to bake our new tradition recipes.
After two consecutive recipes failed, I put my daughter to bed for a nap and sat on my couch and cried. My kitchen was now a mess with nothing to show for it, and I still hadn't put the Christmas tree up.
I've had money on my mind, ever since my overload class for the Spring got cancelled. My insurance premium for next year went up, but I'm having less money put into flex spending, so I'm hoping it evens out and my take-home doesn't change much. Or, any more than it will by not teaching an overload. My overload paid for expensive daycare, but I'm having some money put into a dependent care account, so maybe I can get reimbursed for that as soon as possible ...
This year, more than any other year, Christmas has just felt like a gift-giving holiday. I thought it was because of the not-going-to-church thing, but I went to two different churches over the last two Sundays, and it only minimally helped my seasonal spirit. Maybe it's because my parents get the newspaper and I see ads laying at my dad's feet every day as he tries to read the real news of the day. Maybe it's because I'm being peppered with so many cloth diaper giveaways and discount codes on Twitter and Facebook and my email that I just tune them out now. It started with pre-Black Friday sales information from online retailers and it hasn't stopped. Given that I feel constantly worried about money, it's no wonder that I'm having trouble making those two aspects jive.
So tomorrow my Wee One goes to daycare, because I have to pay for it, so why not. Then my agenda includes putting up a Christmas Tree, trying my hand at baking one more time, and finding a therapist. I'm pretending that we celebrate Winter Solstice, and that's why I waited to put up the Christmas Tree. Actually Winter Solstice seems like the perfect thing to celebrate right now. It's the longest night, after that, the nights are actually shortening [no, really] so it should, in theory, be the worst of the SAD.
It's also a Mother Nature celebration, so a good excuse to walk around the neighborhood [and look at the lights, which it has been far too cold to do, but something I think I would enjoy with the Wee One]. You're supposed to light candles to celebrate and talk about your connection to Nature and it's sometimes even called Yule, so I can try to bake a Yule Log (I thought I had sworn off baking...). Honestly, it's the first idea that's gotten me vaguely excited this whole season long, so I'm going with it.
Don't worry, Ma, I'm not Wiccan just because I want to celebrate the Solstice. It's a scientific event too, ya know.
However, last year I had a new baby, I had a new house, I had the awesomest of awesome suprises that I was pulling off on my mom and dad, so it was easy to get into the spirit.
I usually get SAD (seasonal affective disorder, aka Winter Depression) to some degree every year. Usually, tho, it doesn't rear its ugly head until sometime in February. Usually that's about the time that snow days have completely snarled any syllabus schedule I handed out at the beginning of the semester, and I just throw up my hands and start asking how many days until Spring Break, and then how many days until May.
This year, I started getting the day-counting attitude before Fall Semester was even over with. I found it hard to be motivated to go to work, which is something that hasn't happened to me in years.
I thought I would feel better (i.e. less grumpy, more motivated about the holiday season) once I was done with finals. But even the hurrah of posting grades, then the hurrah of the college being closed for the next two weeks [so I can't even go into work if I want to] didn't lend itself to ho ho ho-ing.
I feel exhausted all the time. I go to bed at 9:00 or 10:00 most nights, and usually sleep pretty well. But when my daughter first cries at 5:45 or 6:00, I still feel exhausted. By 9:00 I'm wondering how long until her naptime, because I might nap too.
It's so bad, I don't even get excited about cloth diaper laundry anymore. Most of our pocket diapers are repelling or leaking badly, so we have to change pants almost every time we change a diaper. And I haven't even felt like dealing with the issue. (Hey, I put a squirt of Dawn in the washer, and it didn't help. I'm not sure what to do beyond that other than hand wash each one individually, or start boiling the damn things, so we're just going with what we've got at the moment.)
I had stopped all form of vitamins and supplements after weaning. I had taken those damn prenatal vitamins and fatty acids every day since I found out I was pregnant in August 2008. I needed a break from daily obligation. I started taking them again, but that hasn't helped much.
I'm eating pretty well. Have to, with the Wee One around. Any junk she sees, she wants. I've been eating cereal for breakfast, soup and grilled cheese for lunch, and our vegetarian offerings most nights for dinner. So I don't think it's eating that's causing it.
I had the house pretty cleaned. I had bought stuff for baking, since I wanted to start a holiday tradition with some recipes that I wanted to make with my girl. First I couldn't motivate myself to actually do the baking. I felt like I needed to have the tree up and the house decorated first. When that obviously wasn't going to happen, and when the snow came along making a perfect day for baking, we tried to bake our new tradition recipes.
After two consecutive recipes failed, I put my daughter to bed for a nap and sat on my couch and cried. My kitchen was now a mess with nothing to show for it, and I still hadn't put the Christmas tree up.
I've had money on my mind, ever since my overload class for the Spring got cancelled. My insurance premium for next year went up, but I'm having less money put into flex spending, so I'm hoping it evens out and my take-home doesn't change much. Or, any more than it will by not teaching an overload. My overload paid for expensive daycare, but I'm having some money put into a dependent care account, so maybe I can get reimbursed for that as soon as possible ...
This year, more than any other year, Christmas has just felt like a gift-giving holiday. I thought it was because of the not-going-to-church thing, but I went to two different churches over the last two Sundays, and it only minimally helped my seasonal spirit. Maybe it's because my parents get the newspaper and I see ads laying at my dad's feet every day as he tries to read the real news of the day. Maybe it's because I'm being peppered with so many cloth diaper giveaways and discount codes on Twitter and Facebook and my email that I just tune them out now. It started with pre-Black Friday sales information from online retailers and it hasn't stopped. Given that I feel constantly worried about money, it's no wonder that I'm having trouble making those two aspects jive.
So tomorrow my Wee One goes to daycare, because I have to pay for it, so why not. Then my agenda includes putting up a Christmas Tree, trying my hand at baking one more time, and finding a therapist. I'm pretending that we celebrate Winter Solstice, and that's why I waited to put up the Christmas Tree. Actually Winter Solstice seems like the perfect thing to celebrate right now. It's the longest night, after that, the nights are actually shortening [no, really] so it should, in theory, be the worst of the SAD.
It's also a Mother Nature celebration, so a good excuse to walk around the neighborhood [and look at the lights, which it has been far too cold to do, but something I think I would enjoy with the Wee One]. You're supposed to light candles to celebrate and talk about your connection to Nature and it's sometimes even called Yule, so I can try to bake a Yule Log (I thought I had sworn off baking...). Honestly, it's the first idea that's gotten me vaguely excited this whole season long, so I'm going with it.
Don't worry, Ma, I'm not Wiccan just because I want to celebrate the Solstice. It's a scientific event too, ya know.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Death By 1000 Questions, A Rant
Tomorrow I go back to work. Like most of us who have been off for the holiday weekend, I'm dreading and loathing when the alarm goes off in the morning. I hesitate to write about work, one reason being my tenure-track status. I've just had some issues the past two semesters that I'm at a loss about how to solve.
I am really struggling with how needy my students are, and how to try to set boundaries with them, and how to try to teach them what behavior is appropriate, when I'm just utterly exhausted by the whole thing. I don't remember my students being this way - or maybe, to this extent - at my former institution. It's wearing me down to the point that I'm seriously reconsidering if being a college professor is what I really want to do with my life, when before I've always been convinced that this is my Life Calling.
I write policies in my syllabus, and they still come to me and ask. I don't allow makeups on quizzes. It says so, they see that I don't let other students do it. But still they come and ask, and force me to say no. It seems innocuous. They try, hoping maybe I'll give in once. What's the harm? But when you have 100 students, and you end up having to say no 100 times, it's bothersome.
I explain to students that I have 10 minutes between lecture and lab. This is not enough time to erase the board, shut down the Powerpoint and eject my thumb drive, and make it to the lab in time to begin there if I also have to answer questions. I can understand you don't want to hang around for office hours. I understand it's "easier". But when I'm trying to focus on what I'm doing, and you ask me anasanine unrelated question, I'm going to suggest that you email me or come to office hours, that I don't have time to discuss it with you right then. You've seen me say that countless times already this semester (try EVERY CLASS).
But these things make me feel bad.
A student comes up saying "hey, my kid is sick, can I have your permission to stay for Wednesday's lab instead of today?" It shouldn't be a problem for me. Am I letting them do it or not? If I don't, I feel like I'm being unreasonable. But what if it's a lab exam, and I say yes, then I end up with 10 of them making excuses and asking the same question. Do I say yes to a person whose kid is sick, when I've been there too? Or do I say no because it's not one individual person. Do I use them as "an example" so the rest of them don't ask? And feel guilt in my heart about it? (Hint: don't ask me in front of the whole class and it changes my dilemma.)
It's not that the request is unreasonable. It's just that there's one of me, and 100 of them, and if I let them, I'll die a slow painful death one bite at a time.
From a student's perspective - what's 10 minutes of a professor's time? From the professor's perspective: that's 17 extra hours a week if every one of my students wants 10 minutes of my time.
From a student's perspective - she's got a kid, she should understand. From the professor's perspective - (a) I can accommodate no more than 2 or 3 makeups in the second lab exam. Who do I choose? The first three that come to me, the three with the best stories, the three that are crying, the three that sound reasonable, the three that are making good grades, the three that I trust? And (b) all of this is taking time. And usually time between lecture and lab when I don't have time to make these evaluations. (Again, if you're in this situation, EMAIL is better.)
So I either say yes to that-and-all-the-other-requests-that-follow, which creates a logistical problem to be solved in the second lab exam with too many people, or I say no and feel bad about it.
And that's the root of it. I can enforce policy with the best of them. Then I feel like a heartless bitch. But the first exception I make, and it snowballs.
Tenure plays into the thought process, although I don't like to admit that. I'm up for tenure and promotion to Full Professor in two and a half years. I need student evaluations that show excellence in teaching. Every moment, I'm wondering if I piss off this student, will they write a bad evaluation. If I enforce my policies effectively, will my evaluations say that I'm a heartless bitch. If I say yes to this student, and make endless accommodations for them, will my evaluations reflect that I'm an understanding teacher?
It's endless. "Are you going to give a study guide? How many questions are going to be on the test? Can you tell me what I need to get on the final to pass your class? Are you going to give a study guide? How much is each question going to be worth on the lab final? Will there be extra credit?"
Little bites. Tiny bites. By this point in the semester, there is nothing of me left. And I have two weeks to go.
Notice I'm not complaining about the number of students showing up to ask questions about content, or legitimate course questions. Noone is asking "hey, can you help me understand hydrogen bonds here" they're asking "can you let me take a test late" or "are all the slides from the whole semester going to be on the cumulative lab final." (Side note: I have never met a group of people this large that all seemed confused on the definition of "cumulative/comprehensive lab final". That's a separate rant.)
I am actually looking for suggestions. Any professors have effective strategies for the Death By 1000 Questions problem? Anyone else have thoughts on how I can effectively answer or deflect inappropriate or inappropriately timed questions. Hint: mentioning repeatedly that I don't really have time to answer questions between lecture and lab only quells the onslaught for a class or two. I've tried that one. Also, yes it's in my syllabus, yes I've explained why, yes I've been late to lab and cut time off their lab quiz because of it.
Keeping in mind that I do want get tenure in 2013, rather than a terminal contract. I think.
I am really struggling with how needy my students are, and how to try to set boundaries with them, and how to try to teach them what behavior is appropriate, when I'm just utterly exhausted by the whole thing. I don't remember my students being this way - or maybe, to this extent - at my former institution. It's wearing me down to the point that I'm seriously reconsidering if being a college professor is what I really want to do with my life, when before I've always been convinced that this is my Life Calling.
I write policies in my syllabus, and they still come to me and ask. I don't allow makeups on quizzes. It says so, they see that I don't let other students do it. But still they come and ask, and force me to say no. It seems innocuous. They try, hoping maybe I'll give in once. What's the harm? But when you have 100 students, and you end up having to say no 100 times, it's bothersome.
I explain to students that I have 10 minutes between lecture and lab. This is not enough time to erase the board, shut down the Powerpoint and eject my thumb drive, and make it to the lab in time to begin there if I also have to answer questions. I can understand you don't want to hang around for office hours. I understand it's "easier". But when I'm trying to focus on what I'm doing, and you ask me an
But these things make me feel bad.
A student comes up saying "hey, my kid is sick, can I have your permission to stay for Wednesday's lab instead of today?" It shouldn't be a problem for me. Am I letting them do it or not? If I don't, I feel like I'm being unreasonable. But what if it's a lab exam, and I say yes, then I end up with 10 of them making excuses and asking the same question. Do I say yes to a person whose kid is sick, when I've been there too? Or do I say no because it's not one individual person. Do I use them as "an example" so the rest of them don't ask? And feel guilt in my heart about it? (Hint: don't ask me in front of the whole class and it changes my dilemma.)
It's not that the request is unreasonable. It's just that there's one of me, and 100 of them, and if I let them, I'll die a slow painful death one bite at a time.
From a student's perspective - what's 10 minutes of a professor's time? From the professor's perspective: that's 17 extra hours a week if every one of my students wants 10 minutes of my time.
From a student's perspective - she's got a kid, she should understand. From the professor's perspective - (a) I can accommodate no more than 2 or 3 makeups in the second lab exam. Who do I choose? The first three that come to me, the three with the best stories, the three that are crying, the three that sound reasonable, the three that are making good grades, the three that I trust? And (b) all of this is taking time. And usually time between lecture and lab when I don't have time to make these evaluations. (Again, if you're in this situation, EMAIL is better.)
So I either say yes to that-and-all-the-other-requests-that-follow, which creates a logistical problem to be solved in the second lab exam with too many people, or I say no and feel bad about it.
And that's the root of it. I can enforce policy with the best of them. Then I feel like a heartless bitch. But the first exception I make, and it snowballs.
Tenure plays into the thought process, although I don't like to admit that. I'm up for tenure and promotion to Full Professor in two and a half years. I need student evaluations that show excellence in teaching. Every moment, I'm wondering if I piss off this student, will they write a bad evaluation. If I enforce my policies effectively, will my evaluations say that I'm a heartless bitch. If I say yes to this student, and make endless accommodations for them, will my evaluations reflect that I'm an understanding teacher?
It's endless. "Are you going to give a study guide? How many questions are going to be on the test? Can you tell me what I need to get on the final to pass your class? Are you going to give a study guide? How much is each question going to be worth on the lab final? Will there be extra credit?"
Little bites. Tiny bites. By this point in the semester, there is nothing of me left. And I have two weeks to go.
Notice I'm not complaining about the number of students showing up to ask questions about content, or legitimate course questions. Noone is asking "hey, can you help me understand hydrogen bonds here" they're asking "can you let me take a test late" or "are all the slides from the whole semester going to be on the cumulative lab final." (Side note: I have never met a group of people this large that all seemed confused on the definition of "cumulative/comprehensive lab final". That's a separate rant.)
I am actually looking for suggestions. Any professors have effective strategies for the Death By 1000 Questions problem? Anyone else have thoughts on how I can effectively answer or deflect inappropriate or inappropriately timed questions. Hint: mentioning repeatedly that I don't really have time to answer questions between lecture and lab only quells the onslaught for a class or two. I've tried that one. Also, yes it's in my syllabus, yes I've explained why, yes I've been late to lab and cut time off their lab quiz because of it.
Keeping in mind that I do want get tenure in 2013, rather than a terminal contract. I think.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I Have A Disorder
I have this thing. I don't know what it's called. I'm sure it has a name, everything has a name. Maybe something like Alternative Focus Motivational Disorder.
It's probably ADD to tell you the truth. But it feels deeper than that. Like it's not just an attention thing, it's a Motivation thing.
Here's an example. I'm at home all weekend, feeling lazy. I don't really clean much, I don't really do much around the house, I watch TV, I eat, I sleep, etc. Monday morning comes around. Monday morning, when I'm supposed to be at work, working on work, doing work. Instead, that feels like an awesome time to clean the house. So I run around like crazy in the limited time I have to get ready, throwing clothes in the washer, doing up some quick dishes, and wishing I had the day off to really clean the house.
Example Two. Right now, I am at work. I cancelled my classes for the Wednesday before Thanksgiving (for several reasons). I don't even have to be here today. I completely constructed my week so that I didn't even have to set foot on campus today. Wee One still goes to daycare today, because my plan was to go back home and clean and get ready for tomorrow's holiday celebration at my house. But I forgot my thumb drive. So I stopped into my office to get it after dropping the Wee One off at daycare.
And suddenly, nothing sounds better than working on stuff for classes and getting some things knocked off my to-do list. I have to give lab exams all next week, so I can get those written and get some materials together for those. I can post the remaining material to my online class. Etc etc etc.
So why, when I have plans (and sometimes even obligations) to do something, does something else feel like it needs to be done immediately?
And it's not like it's the thing that's "better" that I end up wanting to do. Dude, I could be AT HOME right now. DOING NOTHING. And instead, since I'm in my office, I suddenly want to work and get a bunch of stuff done.
Maybe it's contextual. Since I'm here I want to get a few things done. But that doesn't explain why I can sit at home all weekend and suddenly be bitten by the cleaning bug.
I'm chalking it up to Just Plain Crazy.
So, I'm going to knock a few things off my to-do list. Might as well, while I'm here. Then I can finish getting everything ready at home for the Judgy McJudge-a-lots to come tomorrow to eat.
--
Good News for Cloth Tushie Tuesday fans ... our favorite weekly meme returns next week. Follow my Twitter (or just come back here and check to the right) for the topic!
It's probably ADD to tell you the truth. But it feels deeper than that. Like it's not just an attention thing, it's a Motivation thing.
Here's an example. I'm at home all weekend, feeling lazy. I don't really clean much, I don't really do much around the house, I watch TV, I eat, I sleep, etc. Monday morning comes around. Monday morning, when I'm supposed to be at work, working on work, doing work. Instead, that feels like an awesome time to clean the house. So I run around like crazy in the limited time I have to get ready, throwing clothes in the washer, doing up some quick dishes, and wishing I had the day off to really clean the house.
Example Two. Right now, I am at work. I cancelled my classes for the Wednesday before Thanksgiving (for several reasons). I don't even have to be here today. I completely constructed my week so that I didn't even have to set foot on campus today. Wee One still goes to daycare today, because my plan was to go back home and clean and get ready for tomorrow's holiday celebration at my house. But I forgot my thumb drive. So I stopped into my office to get it after dropping the Wee One off at daycare.
And suddenly, nothing sounds better than working on stuff for classes and getting some things knocked off my to-do list. I have to give lab exams all next week, so I can get those written and get some materials together for those. I can post the remaining material to my online class. Etc etc etc.
So why, when I have plans (and sometimes even obligations) to do something, does something else feel like it needs to be done immediately?
And it's not like it's the thing that's "better" that I end up wanting to do. Dude, I could be AT HOME right now. DOING NOTHING. And instead, since I'm in my office, I suddenly want to work and get a bunch of stuff done.
Maybe it's contextual. Since I'm here I want to get a few things done. But that doesn't explain why I can sit at home all weekend and suddenly be bitten by the cleaning bug.
I'm chalking it up to Just Plain Crazy.
So, I'm going to knock a few things off my to-do list. Might as well, while I'm here. Then I can finish getting everything ready at home for the Judgy McJudge-a-lots to come tomorrow to eat.
--
Good News for Cloth Tushie Tuesday fans ... our favorite weekly meme returns next week. Follow my Twitter (or just come back here and check to the right) for the topic!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
My Days
Nighttime is the only time that I have for myself. In the morning, I'm up by 6. Me ready, her ready, do we have everything? Out the door at 7:15. Quiet her fussing while we sit on the bridge in traffic (daily I wonder what the steps would be if the bridge collapsed. Is everyone that fatalistic?)
I try to drop her off around 7:45, and that puts me on campus around 8:00. Any earlier, and she has to go into a room with a teacher that's not her normal teacher, and I try to keep her dropoff as standard as possible. Any later, and I don't feel prepared for 9:00 class.
Check email, deal with student stuff, what am I doing in class and the lab that is right after? Do I have copies? Is the quiz written? Do I have enough Scantron forms?
Time enough for a tweet, then down the hall to the classroom. Start the computer and the projector, while being mobbed with random questions - do they not understand this is not an appropriate time? Open the file, start the slide show, is it 9:10? Good, we can start.
Hour and 15 minutes of them trying to be engaged with detailed, difficult content. Me: waving my arms trying to demonstrate molecules diffusing down their concentration gradient. Them: trying not to look bored because they've tuned me out.
10:25. End lecture, lab in 10 minutes down the hall. Hit ESC to get out of the slide show, close powerpoint, eject the thumb drive, turn off the projector, log off the computer, erase the board, gather my notes. If only it were really that simple, but I am again mobbed with people that don't understand that I have told them I don't have time for questions between lecture and lab. It's usually the ones with an excuse why they have to miss lab, or can they turn something else in late, etc. So I'm having to explain and enforce class policy while getting my shit together to get out of the room.
Dump the stuff from lecture on my desk to sort out later, because I grab the folder for lab just before my 10 minutes is up. Lab sheets, model keys, a quiz. Here's what you're doing today, I'll be around to help while you work on it. I pace around the room, answering mundane (and occasionally inane) questions for two hours. I now amuse myself, and try to teach them how to find the answers to their own questions, by doing the following. Student: so how do I know what slides to look at today? Me: what does your lab handout say? Student: I don't know, I haven't read it yet. (Looks at the lab sheet). Oh, ok, that makes sense. Another Student: Can you tell me what this part is? And this part? And this part? And this part? Me: Do you have a copy of the model key? Student: Oh, is that what that is for?
12:35. Lab is over, and the last students have filtered out. Do I put models and slides away now, or run and get a bite to eat now and clean later?
Drive to get fast food lunch, because I'm definitely not the queen of brown bagging (I'm hoping that Project Vegetarian changes this). Back to campus to clean off my desk, clean the lab, what's next? Look at the to-do list. Make calls, prepare for the next day, post stuff to Blackboard. 2:00 is Open Lab. Usually there's just one or two students. So, I have to be out there in the lab to help them. When I was in the middle of getting something accomplished in my office that I'd like to finish. I feel like this particular hour and a half is definitely a waste of time. The students that are attending open lab so far this semester have been the upper level students anyway. They don't need the extra time, they're doing fine in the class anyway. The students that screw around during lab time, and probably need the extra open lab time? Nowhere to be found.
3:30 Open Lab is over. I have an hour to finish whatever I was working on, be sure to be prepared for the next day's class, and then I can go get the Wee One.
Listen to her cry back across the bridge because the late-day sun is in her eyes, she's asking for juice, and she'd rather NOT be strapped into her carseat for another 20 minutes.
Home - snack of juice and cheese while I fix dinner. After dinner, she plays with her plastic stuff while I clean up (sort of). Read a book, take a bath, bedtime routine.
She's asleep. Now time to write whatever it is that I need to write for the class I'm TAKING. Or do my mommy internet stuff.
I should go to bed. But given that this is the only time in my entire life when there aren't huge demands hanging over my head, I think I'll sit at the computer and tweet and blog and read and write and facebook and attempt to relax a little.
So when does the tenure notebook get written, the college's safety manual get reviewed, and/or the local chapter of the Association of Women in Science (that I am supposed to be starting) get organized? Not during these days, at any rate.
I try to drop her off around 7:45, and that puts me on campus around 8:00. Any earlier, and she has to go into a room with a teacher that's not her normal teacher, and I try to keep her dropoff as standard as possible. Any later, and I don't feel prepared for 9:00 class.
Check email, deal with student stuff, what am I doing in class and the lab that is right after? Do I have copies? Is the quiz written? Do I have enough Scantron forms?
Time enough for a tweet, then down the hall to the classroom. Start the computer and the projector, while being mobbed with random questions - do they not understand this is not an appropriate time? Open the file, start the slide show, is it 9:10? Good, we can start.
Hour and 15 minutes of them trying to be engaged with detailed, difficult content. Me: waving my arms trying to demonstrate molecules diffusing down their concentration gradient. Them: trying not to look bored because they've tuned me out.
10:25. End lecture, lab in 10 minutes down the hall. Hit ESC to get out of the slide show, close powerpoint, eject the thumb drive, turn off the projector, log off the computer, erase the board, gather my notes. If only it were really that simple, but I am again mobbed with people that don't understand that I have told them I don't have time for questions between lecture and lab. It's usually the ones with an excuse why they have to miss lab, or can they turn something else in late, etc. So I'm having to explain and enforce class policy while getting my shit together to get out of the room.
Dump the stuff from lecture on my desk to sort out later, because I grab the folder for lab just before my 10 minutes is up. Lab sheets, model keys, a quiz. Here's what you're doing today, I'll be around to help while you work on it. I pace around the room, answering mundane (and occasionally inane) questions for two hours. I now amuse myself, and try to teach them how to find the answers to their own questions, by doing the following. Student: so how do I know what slides to look at today? Me: what does your lab handout say? Student: I don't know, I haven't read it yet. (Looks at the lab sheet). Oh, ok, that makes sense. Another Student: Can you tell me what this part is? And this part? And this part? And this part? Me: Do you have a copy of the model key? Student: Oh, is that what that is for?
12:35. Lab is over, and the last students have filtered out. Do I put models and slides away now, or run and get a bite to eat now and clean later?
Drive to get fast food lunch, because I'm definitely not the queen of brown bagging (I'm hoping that Project Vegetarian changes this). Back to campus to clean off my desk, clean the lab, what's next? Look at the to-do list. Make calls, prepare for the next day, post stuff to Blackboard. 2:00 is Open Lab. Usually there's just one or two students. So, I have to be out there in the lab to help them. When I was in the middle of getting something accomplished in my office that I'd like to finish. I feel like this particular hour and a half is definitely a waste of time. The students that are attending open lab so far this semester have been the upper level students anyway. They don't need the extra time, they're doing fine in the class anyway. The students that screw around during lab time, and probably need the extra open lab time? Nowhere to be found.
3:30 Open Lab is over. I have an hour to finish whatever I was working on, be sure to be prepared for the next day's class, and then I can go get the Wee One.
Listen to her cry back across the bridge because the late-day sun is in her eyes, she's asking for juice, and she'd rather NOT be strapped into her carseat for another 20 minutes.
Home - snack of juice and cheese while I fix dinner. After dinner, she plays with her plastic stuff while I clean up (sort of). Read a book, take a bath, bedtime routine.
She's asleep. Now time to write whatever it is that I need to write for the class I'm TAKING. Or do my mommy internet stuff.
I should go to bed. But given that this is the only time in my entire life when there aren't huge demands hanging over my head, I think I'll sit at the computer and tweet and blog and read and write and facebook and attempt to relax a little.
So when does the tenure notebook get written, the college's safety manual get reviewed, and/or the local chapter of the Association of Women in Science (that I am supposed to be starting) get organized? Not during these days, at any rate.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Not A Real Post
One requirement for my online class (in lieu of tests) is participation in the "discussion board". While I"ve taught online classes quite a few times, and am currently teaching a hybrid course and two web-enhanced courses, I've never actually TAKEN an online course. This is my first one.
So I started out a little bit ... anxious. Excited, but anxious. I'm an intellectual, I love books and discussion, I've been in higher education my entire adult life as a student, researcher, and faculty member. I've worked in higher education for over almost 10 years. This should be fun, intellectually stimulating, and while it may be challenging, it shouldn't be impossible for me to do.
Then came the 17-page syllabus, and rubric after rubric that somehow manage to not exactly say what they're really trying to measure.
I calmed myself down, and wrote my discussion board post. The syllabus recommended that you post "early in the week" and return often to comment on others' posts, so I posted mine on Monday. I thought it was a bit nerdish, but I thought others would follow within the day. Nope, noone posted until Wednesday or Thursday, so I looked like a big fat giant nasty nerd for three days.
Then I found out someone from my past, someone that I worked with at a former institution, but who was also involved in a personal event in my life, is also in the class. This person and I have not always had positive interactions due to the personal event, but when we last parted ways it was amicable and pleasant. On the surface.
She's in this class (that's what this tweet was about).
So now, whatever anxiety I was having, whatever worry I had about my capacity to do the work and contribute meaningfully to the class, is now wrapped up in this blast-from-the-past.
This week my task is:
The reading was really interesting, and I wrote tons of notes in the margin. But to meaningfully contribute my experiences within colleges, I will have to speak of events that occurred at my previous institution. Where another class member currently works. Which might make for a great discussion.
Unless there's still tension from the personal thing. In which case she'll be like a spider waiting to sink venomous fangs into me. On a discussion board. For a class that I really want to do well in.
I got home last night and had a phenomenal headache. I checked my blood pressure, which was higher than the number it was when they put me in the hospital when I was pregnant. I spent the evening doing deep breathing and then I went to bed early. Today the headache is gone, but I still have to do this stupid discussion board post that is probably the cause of the stress.
It's Thursday, and noone has posted yet. I'm not going to post first this week, so I obviously still have some time to work on it.
(All the while wondering what she'll think when she reads it.)
So this is what you get instead of a real post.
So I started out a little bit ... anxious. Excited, but anxious. I'm an intellectual, I love books and discussion, I've been in higher education my entire adult life as a student, researcher, and faculty member. I've worked in higher education for over almost 10 years. This should be fun, intellectually stimulating, and while it may be challenging, it shouldn't be impossible for me to do.
Then came the 17-page syllabus, and rubric after rubric that somehow manage to not exactly say what they're really trying to measure.
I calmed myself down, and wrote my discussion board post. The syllabus recommended that you post "early in the week" and return often to comment on others' posts, so I posted mine on Monday. I thought it was a bit nerdish, but I thought others would follow within the day. Nope, noone posted until Wednesday or Thursday, so I looked like a big fat giant nasty nerd for three days.
Then I found out someone from my past, someone that I worked with at a former institution, but who was also involved in a personal event in my life, is also in the class. This person and I have not always had positive interactions due to the personal event, but when we last parted ways it was amicable and pleasant. On the surface.
She's in this class (that's what this tweet was about).
So now, whatever anxiety I was having, whatever worry I had about my capacity to do the work and contribute meaningfully to the class, is now wrapped up in this blast-from-the-past.
This week my task is:
Using Birnbaum, Mintzberg and your own experiences, please respond to some of these topics: What are the distinctions of academic institutions that make them so unique in their organizational aspects? What are the influences (and potentially competing values) of multiple constituencies? What are the unique issues of governance? How have you experienced any of these in your work/studies within universities and colleges?(That's what this tweet was about.)
The reading was really interesting, and I wrote tons of notes in the margin. But to meaningfully contribute my experiences within colleges, I will have to speak of events that occurred at my previous institution. Where another class member currently works. Which might make for a great discussion.
Unless there's still tension from the personal thing. In which case she'll be like a spider waiting to sink venomous fangs into me. On a discussion board. For a class that I really want to do well in.
I got home last night and had a phenomenal headache. I checked my blood pressure, which was higher than the number it was when they put me in the hospital when I was pregnant. I spent the evening doing deep breathing and then I went to bed early. Today the headache is gone, but I still have to do this stupid discussion board post that is probably the cause of the stress.
It's Thursday, and noone has posted yet. I'm not going to post first this week, so I obviously still have some time to work on it.
(All the while wondering what she'll think when she reads it.)
So this is what you get instead of a real post.
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Other Side Of The Desk
I've never really been Type-A about school. I only tried hard enough to do what I needed to. I did well in high school, because advanced classes counted more in your GPA than regular classes. I excelled in anything having to do with writing, which countered the misery of anything related to history, government, or numbers.
College was interesting, finally. Except for the numbers. I had to take both calculus classes over to get the grade acceptable to graduate. But the Biology. That was awesome.
In fact, I just kept taking Biology classes until someone handed me a Ph.D. Well, not really. But being really interested in a topic helps in learning it, and I managed to have a way with science. Being a good test-taker doesn't hurt either.
I've mentioned before that I get tuition remission as a benefit at work. I wanted to take a few classes for professional development, and that snowballed into enrolling into a master's degree program.
I registered back in June, but was on the waiting list. I finally got into the class a couple of weeks ago, and have been checking Blackboard every day to see if the class was available. I ordered the books online (used, so I saved a ton, but they're in perfect condition. Yay!) I read the first chapter of one (too much history).
Then last night, course information appears. The syllabus? 17 pages long. The grade? Based on three papers and participation in the discussion board.
Me? PANIC.
No tests? Are you sure? Because I'm really good at tests. I can study and take tests and ... Really? No tests?
Two analyses and a response paper. Each worth a quarter of the final grade. The rest of the grade requires you to post to the discussion board with something relevant and thoughtful, and then to respond to what everyone else has written that they think is relevant and thoughtful, and your teacher judges and gives you a grade.
In the rational part of my brain, I know I can do this. I know what is expected and what I need to do to meet those expectations. However, the other part of my brain seems to be screaming "what if..." and "wtf..." too loud for me to hear the rational part.
But, I'd already read the chapter, so I wrote a draft last night of answers to her discussion board questions, then today I got online and posted it. I was first, so I'll have to get on later and respond to others and "participate".
So I have no real post for you today because I'm too busy panicking about my answer to significant events in the history of higher education.
Tomorrow come back for Cloth Tushie Tuesday, wherein I talk about diaper laundry. (If she'd asked about that, I could have written a fabulous discussion board post!)
College was interesting, finally. Except for the numbers. I had to take both calculus classes over to get the grade acceptable to graduate. But the Biology. That was awesome.
In fact, I just kept taking Biology classes until someone handed me a Ph.D. Well, not really. But being really interested in a topic helps in learning it, and I managed to have a way with science. Being a good test-taker doesn't hurt either.
I've mentioned before that I get tuition remission as a benefit at work. I wanted to take a few classes for professional development, and that snowballed into enrolling into a master's degree program.
I registered back in June, but was on the waiting list. I finally got into the class a couple of weeks ago, and have been checking Blackboard every day to see if the class was available. I ordered the books online (used, so I saved a ton, but they're in perfect condition. Yay!) I read the first chapter of one (too much history).
Then last night, course information appears. The syllabus? 17 pages long. The grade? Based on three papers and participation in the discussion board.
Me? PANIC.
No tests? Are you sure? Because I'm really good at tests. I can study and take tests and ... Really? No tests?
Two analyses and a response paper. Each worth a quarter of the final grade. The rest of the grade requires you to post to the discussion board with something relevant and thoughtful, and then to respond to what everyone else has written that they think is relevant and thoughtful, and your teacher judges and gives you a grade.
In the rational part of my brain, I know I can do this. I know what is expected and what I need to do to meet those expectations. However, the other part of my brain seems to be screaming "what if..." and "wtf..." too loud for me to hear the rational part.
But, I'd already read the chapter, so I wrote a draft last night of answers to her discussion board questions, then today I got online and posted it. I was first, so I'll have to get on later and respond to others and "participate".
So I have no real post for you today because I'm too busy panicking about my answer to significant events in the history of higher education.
Tomorrow come back for Cloth Tushie Tuesday, wherein I talk about diaper laundry. (If she'd asked about that, I could have written a fabulous discussion board post!)
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Statement of Teaching Philosophy
Applicants for faculty positions that require teaching are usually asked to provide a document in their application materials that can strike fear in the hearts of the weak. A statement of your Teaching Philosophy.
The first time I was applying for full-time teaching positions, I had been hired as an adjunct (part-time, to fill in a few classes) at a local community college while I was also doing a post-doc. I was gathering with some of the full-time faculty at a local watering hole, sharing a pitcher of beer, when I asked "so what is the best way to go about writing your Statement of Teaching Philosophy?" Laughter, then advice. "Well, you have to actually KNOW what your Philosophy of Teaching is to be able to write a Statement about it" was one of the less-than-helpful suggestions. The Division Chair turned to me and said "you sit down one night when it's quiet, you get yourself one of these," she pointed to her beer, "and then you think about what you do that works, and you write about it."
That turned about to be a pretty helpful piece of advice, and it is how I wrote my first Statement. It got me hired at two different community colleges, so it must not be too terrible a document.
I realized ... noone seems to care much what your teaching philosophy says (as long as you don't say you hate students and want to kill them and eat them with a spoon). They really just care that it says SOMETHING. That you think about the teaching and learning process a little bit. That it's not so vague and generalized that it's obvious you plagiarized it from the internet. I know it will amaze those who know me, but I can be opinionated. So put your opinions in there. Make it clear that you know something about what you're doing, and that you can discuss your viewpoints. You might not want to be terribly controversial, but it's a statement on YOUR philosophy - how you approach teaching.
So now I'm up for tenure. One of the first documents that goes into your portfolio is ... you guessed it ... your Statement of Teaching Philosophy. Mine has gotten me hired twice, and I actually got compliments on it during my first interview. It's not like I have to start at Square One. My plan was to review it, tweak it, copy it, put it in there, mark it off the checklist.
Yesterday I heard that of the 24 candidates for Professor last year, less than half received the promotion. So now I'm all scared sh!t-le&& and freaking out about what to put in this document.
Maybe I'll go back to the beginning. Sit down with a beer, think about what I do, and write about it.
I'll need the beer just to calm my nerves!
The first time I was applying for full-time teaching positions, I had been hired as an adjunct (part-time, to fill in a few classes) at a local community college while I was also doing a post-doc. I was gathering with some of the full-time faculty at a local watering hole, sharing a pitcher of beer, when I asked "so what is the best way to go about writing your Statement of Teaching Philosophy?" Laughter, then advice. "Well, you have to actually KNOW what your Philosophy of Teaching is to be able to write a Statement about it" was one of the less-than-helpful suggestions. The Division Chair turned to me and said "you sit down one night when it's quiet, you get yourself one of these," she pointed to her beer, "and then you think about what you do that works, and you write about it."
That turned about to be a pretty helpful piece of advice, and it is how I wrote my first Statement. It got me hired at two different community colleges, so it must not be too terrible a document.
I realized ... noone seems to care much what your teaching philosophy says (as long as you don't say you hate students and want to kill them and eat them with a spoon). They really just care that it says SOMETHING. That you think about the teaching and learning process a little bit. That it's not so vague and generalized that it's obvious you plagiarized it from the internet. I know it will amaze those who know me, but I can be opinionated. So put your opinions in there. Make it clear that you know something about what you're doing, and that you can discuss your viewpoints. You might not want to be terribly controversial, but it's a statement on YOUR philosophy - how you approach teaching.
So now I'm up for tenure. One of the first documents that goes into your portfolio is ... you guessed it ... your Statement of Teaching Philosophy. Mine has gotten me hired twice, and I actually got compliments on it during my first interview. It's not like I have to start at Square One. My plan was to review it, tweak it, copy it, put it in there, mark it off the checklist.
Yesterday I heard that of the 24 candidates for Professor last year, less than half received the promotion. So now I'm all scared sh!t-le&& and freaking out about what to put in this document.
Maybe I'll go back to the beginning. Sit down with a beer, think about what I do, and write about it.
I'll need the beer just to calm my nerves!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Accepted
In 1991 I applied for colleges. I still remember sitting on the patio in the sun the summer before my senior year, painstakingly filling out applications.
In 1995 I applied for graduate school. I had worked in the Department of Pathology at the University of Cincinnati College of Medicine doing a paid internship the summer before my senior year of college. I had been invited to meet with the Head of the Graduate Program, who handed me an application and strongly encouraged me to apply. Even so, driving to Cincinnati for the interview was the most nerve-wracking trip of my life.
In 2001 I defended my Ph.D. dissertation. I figured I was done with my education.
I have been a faculty member in a State institution for a number of years. One "perk" is that I can take classes from any state institution for free - I get 6 credit hours of tuition remission per semester. At my previous institution, noone seemed to take advantage of the opportunity, so I never thought much about it. Then I moved to a new college, where folks take great advantage.
There are classes I am interested in taking at the local University. To take them, you need to apply to the graduate program. I didn't think much of it, until ....
I have been accepted into the MA in Higher Education program at the University of Louisville.
I'm "working on a Master's Degree". With a one year old.
What the hell am I doing?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Tenure, or Not To Tenure
Tenure is a big deal in academia.
If you've ever experienced the decisions related to tenure, then you realize what an understatement that was.
Tenure is job security. In the days when faculty and students would go to the university and live there and train there and remain there most or all of their lives, tenure was the guarantee that the university would house you and feed you and let you read in the library until you were dead. With one university in a given geographical area, and faculty not changing jobs or geographical areas like we do today, tenure was essential for feeding/clothing/housing yourself for the rest of your life.
That was a long time ago.
My personal opinion is that tenure is a throwback to an archaic system of higher education when universities did much more to support the livelihood of their faculty and therefore had much more power over lives. It has, in more recent history, allowed faculty to feel free to teach topics that might be controversial, or to research topics that conflict with the status quo, and not feel threatened that they may lose their job in their pursuit of the truth.
That all sounds well and good. These days, I haven't seen any faculty member feel that their job is threatened because they teach about controversial topics (evolution, anyone?). In fact, I have only seen "tenure" allow incredibly poor, lazy, and sometimes incompetent faculty hang around.
To "get" tenure in most colleges and universities, you work your rear end off incredibly hard for some number of years - usually around six or seven. At the end of that, a committee of faculty members gets to decide your fate based on a notebook you put together. To make matters worse, most colleges and universities (mine included!) have an up-or-out policy. If those colleagues decide you are not worth of tenure, you will receive a terminal contract - basically you have a year to find another job because you're being fired.
I was hired for my first full-time faculty position in 2003. The college where I was hired did not hire on tenure-track positions, only on term contracts. At the time, I thought I would only be there a couple of years to get some experience and then move on to a "real" university for a tenure-track position. Fortunately, I thrived in the environment and was very successful. I loved what I was doing, and felt like I was really where I needed to be. Because I loved what I was doing, I did a great job. I took on new and varied projects in addition to my teaching. The college was very small and there was great opportunity to work on committees and teams. I basically did all the things one does when "going for" tenure. I had good student evaluations, had excellent feedback on academic advising, chaired committees and worked on projects, impressed my bosses, got things accomplished, and felt great about myself in the process. I moved up into academic administration and really felt like I was making a difference.
If I was going for tenure, I believe I would have gotten it. However, that wasn't an option for me at that college. Even if it was, I didn't care. I personally don't really believe in tenure. As I said, I think it just keeps bad faculty in place for way too long.
I changed colleges. It was the best thing to do for my daugher and I at the time. The position was also a term contract position - in fact, it was exactly the same as my previous position, only at a different college. Over the past year I have adjusted to going back to work after the life-changing event of having a daughter. I am slowly assimilating my "two lives" - one as professor and one as mommie. I'm starting to get this balance thing as best I can right now.
Then I receive a letter that my position has been identified as tenure-eligible, and I have the one-time opportunity to convert to tenure-track and apply for tenure.
OMG. So what do I do?
To turn down an opportunity to "go for" tenure is a ridiculous decision to established academics. Why would I turn down the opportunity to basically never be fired?
However, it will require time and effort that I would rather put toward teaching my students (sometimes) and raising my daughter.
I have gone back and forth in making the decision over the past few days. I have done the pros and cons list (there is always a "but" that supports the other side!) I have talked to my family who have always been my biggest supporters. Here was the deciding factor: my ultimate career goal is to get back into academic leadership and administration. To lead faculty - or any group - you need credibility. You need to represent the group, and be able to speak to the experiences of the group you lead. Having tenure may not help me in leading a group of tenured faculty. But I can guarantee you that not having tenure may have a huge impact when leading a group of tenured faculty.
It also doesn't hurt that it's guaranteed job security in a job that I really like in the area where I have decided to build my life with my daughter.
So I turned in a piece of paper today that says I have three years to demonstrate that I meet the qualifications of tenure, or I lose my job.
OMG I hope I made the right decision!
(I'll know in three years.)
If you've ever experienced the decisions related to tenure, then you realize what an understatement that was.
Tenure is job security. In the days when faculty and students would go to the university and live there and train there and remain there most or all of their lives, tenure was the guarantee that the university would house you and feed you and let you read in the library until you were dead. With one university in a given geographical area, and faculty not changing jobs or geographical areas like we do today, tenure was essential for feeding/clothing/housing yourself for the rest of your life.
That was a long time ago.
My personal opinion is that tenure is a throwback to an archaic system of higher education when universities did much more to support the livelihood of their faculty and therefore had much more power over lives. It has, in more recent history, allowed faculty to feel free to teach topics that might be controversial, or to research topics that conflict with the status quo, and not feel threatened that they may lose their job in their pursuit of the truth.
That all sounds well and good. These days, I haven't seen any faculty member feel that their job is threatened because they teach about controversial topics (evolution, anyone?). In fact, I have only seen "tenure" allow incredibly poor, lazy, and sometimes incompetent faculty hang around.
To "get" tenure in most colleges and universities, you work your rear end off incredibly hard for some number of years - usually around six or seven. At the end of that, a committee of faculty members gets to decide your fate based on a notebook you put together. To make matters worse, most colleges and universities (mine included!) have an up-or-out policy. If those colleagues decide you are not worth of tenure, you will receive a terminal contract - basically you have a year to find another job because you're being fired.
I was hired for my first full-time faculty position in 2003. The college where I was hired did not hire on tenure-track positions, only on term contracts. At the time, I thought I would only be there a couple of years to get some experience and then move on to a "real" university for a tenure-track position. Fortunately, I thrived in the environment and was very successful. I loved what I was doing, and felt like I was really where I needed to be. Because I loved what I was doing, I did a great job. I took on new and varied projects in addition to my teaching. The college was very small and there was great opportunity to work on committees and teams. I basically did all the things one does when "going for" tenure. I had good student evaluations, had excellent feedback on academic advising, chaired committees and worked on projects, impressed my bosses, got things accomplished, and felt great about myself in the process. I moved up into academic administration and really felt like I was making a difference.
If I was going for tenure, I believe I would have gotten it. However, that wasn't an option for me at that college. Even if it was, I didn't care. I personally don't really believe in tenure. As I said, I think it just keeps bad faculty in place for way too long.
I changed colleges. It was the best thing to do for my daugher and I at the time. The position was also a term contract position - in fact, it was exactly the same as my previous position, only at a different college. Over the past year I have adjusted to going back to work after the life-changing event of having a daughter. I am slowly assimilating my "two lives" - one as professor and one as mommie. I'm starting to get this balance thing as best I can right now.
Then I receive a letter that my position has been identified as tenure-eligible, and I have the one-time opportunity to convert to tenure-track and apply for tenure.
OMG. So what do I do?
To turn down an opportunity to "go for" tenure is a ridiculous decision to established academics. Why would I turn down the opportunity to basically never be fired?
However, it will require time and effort that I would rather put toward teaching my students (sometimes) and raising my daughter.
I have gone back and forth in making the decision over the past few days. I have done the pros and cons list (there is always a "but" that supports the other side!) I have talked to my family who have always been my biggest supporters. Here was the deciding factor: my ultimate career goal is to get back into academic leadership and administration. To lead faculty - or any group - you need credibility. You need to represent the group, and be able to speak to the experiences of the group you lead. Having tenure may not help me in leading a group of tenured faculty. But I can guarantee you that not having tenure may have a huge impact when leading a group of tenured faculty.
It also doesn't hurt that it's guaranteed job security in a job that I really like in the area where I have decided to build my life with my daughter.
So I turned in a piece of paper today that says I have three years to demonstrate that I meet the qualifications of tenure, or I lose my job.
OMG I hope I made the right decision!
(I'll know in three years.)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I lost my diary, so I poured out crazy thoughts here
If you have a hole inside of you, how do you fill it up?
Because you can try lots of different kinds of things, but nothing quite fits.
Square peg in a round hole. It can jam it up, cause you to forget there is a hole there. But eventually, there are still spaces.
There is still a hole.
(poetry by me)
--
I am crazy. I am absolutely certifiably batty.
I am buying another organizer.
Since the last time I aired my dirty laundry on being a crazy organizer addict, I actually bought a new planner. Nothing is quite right. It's never quite right. It's still a hole. There are still spaces. So you buy another planner. It's not quite right either. And you keep trying one after another after another, and some of them work, but they aren't right. Not quite right.
Ugh.
I bought this one last fall. It has the perfect weekly layout (I HAVE to do vertical weeks, I won't even consider going back. In my next planner, I'll put all my classes in using color codes. Awesomeness.) and follows the academic year. But it doesn't have any monthly pages. The manufacturer does make a different version with months as well as weeks, but not in an academic year format. And it's the middle of summer and I'm not buying a planner that will be half blank. (Our college's bookstore sells a similar one. Which I almost bought. I knew I wouldn't like it, so I refrained. Barely.)
I tried to use an electronic organizer. Good for my portability requirement. But I found that I really do prefer paper planning. I'm too visual. It's difficult for me to see an entire week on that little bitty screen. Although, the color-coding makes my toes curl.
I prefer binder planners, because there is always information that I want to add. I usually use Franklin Covey products, so one day while at Target, I bought a new planner. The whole kit and caboodle (I love that phrase), binder, monthly tabs, weekly pages. The binder is Navy Blue (second only to Periwinkle as the best color in the world.) The pages are vertical format. The planner is small enough to fit in the diaper bag.
So what's the issue, V?
TOO small, the pages are too thin and the ink bleeds through....
I am even annoying myself here, that's how bad it is.
I spent many hours during finals week while giving tests designing my own planner pages. I have the perfect planner pages in a computer file on my thumb drive. I just can't figure out how to print them out in the necessary format to the necessary size. What size do I want to use? The Compact size is too small. I have a Classic size binder, which I think I can dig out of a box in my basement.
Back to Covey's website. There is a discounted refill that has the weekly pages in the appropriate format. Clean, classy look. Comes in the Classic size, has monthly tabs. And is cheaper than the ink I would use to print my own.
I have made myself a deal. I will let myself buy this one refill set. Then I will not purchase any more planner stuff for a year. A year, V, a YEAR.
Or maybe January.
Because you can try lots of different kinds of things, but nothing quite fits.
Square peg in a round hole. It can jam it up, cause you to forget there is a hole there. But eventually, there are still spaces.
There is still a hole.
(poetry by me)
--
I am crazy. I am absolutely certifiably batty.
I am buying another organizer.
Since the last time I aired my dirty laundry on being a crazy organizer addict, I actually bought a new planner. Nothing is quite right. It's never quite right. It's still a hole. There are still spaces. So you buy another planner. It's not quite right either. And you keep trying one after another after another, and some of them work, but they aren't right. Not quite right.
Ugh.
I bought this one last fall. It has the perfect weekly layout (I HAVE to do vertical weeks, I won't even consider going back. In my next planner, I'll put all my classes in using color codes. Awesomeness.) and follows the academic year. But it doesn't have any monthly pages. The manufacturer does make a different version with months as well as weeks, but not in an academic year format. And it's the middle of summer and I'm not buying a planner that will be half blank. (Our college's bookstore sells a similar one. Which I almost bought. I knew I wouldn't like it, so I refrained. Barely.)
I tried to use an electronic organizer. Good for my portability requirement. But I found that I really do prefer paper planning. I'm too visual. It's difficult for me to see an entire week on that little bitty screen. Although, the color-coding makes my toes curl.
I prefer binder planners, because there is always information that I want to add. I usually use Franklin Covey products, so one day while at Target, I bought a new planner. The whole kit and caboodle (I love that phrase), binder, monthly tabs, weekly pages. The binder is Navy Blue (second only to Periwinkle as the best color in the world.) The pages are vertical format. The planner is small enough to fit in the diaper bag.
So what's the issue, V?
TOO small, the pages are too thin and the ink bleeds through....
I am even annoying myself here, that's how bad it is.
I spent many hours during finals week while giving tests designing my own planner pages. I have the perfect planner pages in a computer file on my thumb drive. I just can't figure out how to print them out in the necessary format to the necessary size. What size do I want to use? The Compact size is too small. I have a Classic size binder, which I think I can dig out of a box in my basement.
Back to Covey's website. There is a discounted refill that has the weekly pages in the appropriate format. Clean, classy look. Comes in the Classic size, has monthly tabs. And is cheaper than the ink I would use to print my own.
I have made myself a deal. I will let myself buy this one refill set. Then I will not purchase any more planner stuff for a year. A year, V, a YEAR.
Or maybe January.
Friday, June 11, 2010
I Need A Vote
I've started this post about 15 times. There's alot of history, and how much is really relevant?
Ok, here goes. Maybe the Cliffs Notes version will be enough. Oh, bullets. I love bullets.
The end of academic years always brings me to a sort of self-reflection. What did I accomplish, where am I, and where do I want to be? This year is no different. Add to that the new theme of "what kind of person so I want to be as a role model for my daughter" and there's alot to think about.
I have decided that I am interested in getting back into Academic Leadership. I am interested in once again making a difference, in making decisions that help students and programs to thrive and flourish, to provide opportunities to faculty and staff and students to make their programs the best they can be. In my planning for next year I have quite a bit of Professional Development planned. In fact, I may be starting a Master's Degree program (holy crap, what the hell am I doing, I have a ONE YEAR OLD).
So the DAY after we come back from vacation, I am attending a Conference for Women. There are two "Tracks" - they have two seminars scheduled for each of the time slots - so you pick one. Some of them are easy choices. But I'm stuck on two. And therefore need your help.
Choice One: Should I attend
How To Say The Right Thing In Tough Situations - tips and techniques for navigating delicate interactions like a pro
OR
Conflict Management Skills Especially For Women - how to keep your cool, stand your ground, and positively resolve conflict
Choice Two: Should I attend
Presenting Yourself As A Woman Who Is Going Places - super strategies for presenting a powerful positive image
OR
How To Keep Difficult People From Ruining Your Day - take charge of difficult situations and impossible people
The titles of the sessions I have already decided on are:
How To Communicate Like A Pro
A Brand-New You - Assertiveness Skills That Lead To Success
Learning To Lead
Alternatives I have considered - at the breakfast, I might try to link up with someone and see if they are attending the "other" session I am interested in. I can suggest we get together after and trade notes and perspectives.
I might also attend a "part" of both sessions. If I start in one, but it's not that good, I can skip to the other. But what if the first one is really good?
Ok, internets, I need your input!!!!!!
Ok, here goes. Maybe the Cliffs Notes version will be enough. Oh, bullets. I love bullets.
- August 2003 I started my dream job, my first faculty position at a community college in northern Kentucky. They previously had no full-time science faculty, so I and another female faculty member were hired to develop a Biology department and all course offerings, from general Biology to Anatomy/Physiology and Medical Microbiology for Nursing students. She left after the first year. I stayed for six.
- July 2005 I became Division Chair. The opportunity kind of fell into my lap, but I very much enjoyed becoming involved in academic administration. In some ways it was easier to develop the new department when I was in charge of allocating some of the resources and hiring the faculty. My first year as Division Chair I received the highest rating possible from the Provost for my end-of-year evaluation.
- August 2006 found that Provost retiring and a new one being hired. A woman with her sights set on a college Presidency, and all her minions were her stepping stones.
- May 2007 said Provost called me into her office and stripped me of my position. With a number of personal zings and choice words in the process. I limped to my corner to lick my wounds.
- The 2007-2008 academic year was a tough one for me. I returned to my position as a full-time faculty member amid the whispering gossip of a small college. Students who were expecting the "easy" part-time faculty member were assigned me instead, and we were all resentful of the situation. Somehow I survived.
- The 2008-2009 academic year was basically Me Being Pregnant. I had a new Division Chair for a boss, someone I had supervised previously who actually respected me, and that made a huge difference. I was utterly elated every day since I woke up and whispered "I'm pregnant!" to myself before I got out of bed. I surved Daily Sickness (it was more than just the Morning - everyone said that meant I would be having a Girl) and heartburn (you've seen The Hair so just IMAGINE!).
- The 2009-2010 academic year was Me With A Wee One. I quit my job in June and got a new position at another community college very near my folks in July. I spent the year teaching courses and trying to adjust to (a) life as a new, single, working mother, and (b) a new job at a new place. Not to mention a move to my parents and then a move into a new house in the middle of all that.
The end of academic years always brings me to a sort of self-reflection. What did I accomplish, where am I, and where do I want to be? This year is no different. Add to that the new theme of "what kind of person so I want to be as a role model for my daughter" and there's alot to think about.
I have decided that I am interested in getting back into Academic Leadership. I am interested in once again making a difference, in making decisions that help students and programs to thrive and flourish, to provide opportunities to faculty and staff and students to make their programs the best they can be. In my planning for next year I have quite a bit of Professional Development planned. In fact, I may be starting a Master's Degree program (holy crap, what the hell am I doing, I have a ONE YEAR OLD).
So the DAY after we come back from vacation, I am attending a Conference for Women. There are two "Tracks" - they have two seminars scheduled for each of the time slots - so you pick one. Some of them are easy choices. But I'm stuck on two. And therefore need your help.
Choice One: Should I attend
How To Say The Right Thing In Tough Situations - tips and techniques for navigating delicate interactions like a pro
OR
Conflict Management Skills Especially For Women - how to keep your cool, stand your ground, and positively resolve conflict
Choice Two: Should I attend
Presenting Yourself As A Woman Who Is Going Places - super strategies for presenting a powerful positive image
OR
How To Keep Difficult People From Ruining Your Day - take charge of difficult situations and impossible people
The titles of the sessions I have already decided on are:
How To Communicate Like A Pro
A Brand-New You - Assertiveness Skills That Lead To Success
Learning To Lead
Alternatives I have considered - at the breakfast, I might try to link up with someone and see if they are attending the "other" session I am interested in. I can suggest we get together after and trade notes and perspectives.
I might also attend a "part" of both sessions. If I start in one, but it's not that good, I can skip to the other. But what if the first one is really good?
Ok, internets, I need your input!!!!!!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Ok, so I'm OCD about diapers. Whatever.
I've been making a list of the rest of the Cloth Diapering 101 posts that I want to do. I'd already done a post on how to wash cloth diapers, but I thought I'd do a fun post about folding diapers. Some mamas stuff all their pockets so they're ready when they need one, some mamas don't, and it's always a fun conversation.
Then today on Twitter I see that the Knickernappies blog has asked the question - do you fold your diaper laundry. And they want photos of your folded diaper stash.
I had just taken a load of diaper laundry out of the dryer, so it was the perfect time to snap some photos of folding diaper laundry. Then I could get a post ready for Monday, and ...
Oh, but wait. The pictures would be in her room, and her room isn't very clean. So first I'd have to get the diapers out of the dryer. Then I'd have to sort them all (and take a photo to show) and then I'd have to stuff them all (and take a photo to show) and then I'd have to clean her room, and then I have to put all the diapers away, and then I have to take photos of how they're all put away...
Damn you Knickernappies blog, this is NOT how I was going to spend my Saturday afternoon!!!
But Monday you'll see lots of photos!
Then today on Twitter I see that the Knickernappies blog has asked the question - do you fold your diaper laundry. And they want photos of your folded diaper stash.
I had just taken a load of diaper laundry out of the dryer, so it was the perfect time to snap some photos of folding diaper laundry. Then I could get a post ready for Monday, and ...
Oh, but wait. The pictures would be in her room, and her room isn't very clean. So first I'd have to get the diapers out of the dryer. Then I'd have to sort them all (and take a photo to show) and then I'd have to stuff them all (and take a photo to show) and then I'd have to clean her room, and then I have to put all the diapers away, and then I have to take photos of how they're all put away...
Damn you Knickernappies blog, this is NOT how I was going to spend my Saturday afternoon!!!
But Monday you'll see lots of photos!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Food
Food has been on my mind alot recently. I've been thinking about it pretty constantly since I left the doctor's office at 2:30 on Friday. It's been interesting the thoughts and memories that have bubbled up in the past few days. I thought I'd try writing as a way to corral some of them.
I experience alot of anxiety about my Wee One's eating. I have ever since the beginning. As a nursing mother, you just Obsess from the first moment. Is she latching on, is she getting enough, when will my milk come in, will the nurses EVER stop trying to push formula? That was compounded by a night in the NICU where every time I nursed her, they would then weigh her, and if I hadn't given her enough milk, they force-fed her formula with a syringe. I tried so hard to force milk into her that night, and the Obsession was born.
I'm reading books - because that's what I do. Any problem or issue I've ever faced, I combat with a stack of reading material. I had ordered Baby-Led Weaning at the encouragement of some mamas on the Diaperswappers forums when I first posted about my anxiety about her eating issues. That approach encourages you to present whole foods - samples of what you are eating for each meal - to your child early on. As they play with the food, put it in their mouth, gum it, etc, they learn the necessary motor skills for eating. Meanwhile, you're still nursing them, same as ever. As they develop, they begin to actually consume more and more food at each meal. Eventually they will eat more and nurse less.
Oh, if only I could be that relaxed about it. I guess you can be, when you're talking about a 6-month old, or a 9-month old. But she's 13 months old, shouldn't she be eating MORE? But then, I don't want to force food down her throat. Hello, here's your mother laying the foundation for your future eating disorder. Here's the name of a good therapist. I'll go ahead and put money in the bank for it, you're gonna need it.
Maybe I can do it. All summer, just go back to breastfeeding on demand, and give her foods at mealtimes, and as she begins to eat more (IF she begins to eat more) she will then just nurse less (yea right). THAT will require finding a new pediatrician, as my current one keeps asking me when I'm going to "stop that". Nursing, that is. (Next time I plan to say something like "Never". Or "I'm sure she'll stop sometime before high school". Or "Stop? They stop nursing? I didn't realize that. Hmmm. I'll ask her when she wants to. We'll get back with you on that.")
Sunday we were in the grocery store. I had a partial list of things I knew I needed. The doctor had said "just go through the grocery aisles and look for soft foods", so that was my plan. Halfway through the store I realized ... I don't know how to eat well. How in the world am I supposed to feed my daughter well (healthy) when I don't know how to feed myself well?
In college I developed an eating disorder. In graduate school, during therapy, my eating disorder was diagnosed. (By someone other than my husband-at-the-time, who found a bottle of ipecac syrup and believed me when I said I had it for my dog's first-aid kit.) That therapist's suggestion was to remove the labels of "good" and "bad" from food. Those labels just induce guilt and lay the groundwork for binge eating. She wanted me to stop beating myself up when I ate something I wanted. She told me not to go on diets, since diets restrict eating and lead to more binging.
Yay for me. I get to eat whatever I want and I was told by my therapist not to diet!
Obviously the next step in therapy like that is to gradually learn more healthful ways of eating. Somehow we never got to that step, and I just held on to "yay my therapist said no food is bad".
I have a book about zen cooking. I adore shopping at Whole Foods, or farmer's markets. I love the idea of cooking a meal based on healthy, green, wholesome ingredients. But when it comes down to instinct eating - your default eating pattern that you turn to when you're busy or tired or stressed or you otherwise don't want to think about your food - well, it's not pretty.
At the store, I managed to buy a mishmash of healthy things. Then Monday night it was time to make dinner.
I ate healthy "stuff", but it wasn't really dinner. I steamed vegetables, boiled some chopped potatoes, decided that I didn't want a meat, remembered that I wanted to try to feed her cottage cheese before it expired in the fridge. So my plate had steamed veggies, boiled potatoes, and cottage cheese. It wasn't even really "dinner", just a combination of unrelated things I'd cooked and put on our plates.
I feel so inadequate. I don't know how to eat.
I know how to cook. The times I've had my parents over and I actually followed a recipe and made a meal, they have enjoyed it immensely. I have tons of cookbooks. When I sit down and do it, I can make a week's food plan, and cook up some mean dinners. But it means sitting down and finding recipes and making lists and a plan. I don't mind making that effort, but my point is, I find it to be an effort.
It doesn't come naturally to me.
So how do I teach my daughter something that I don't know? And if I can't figure out what to feed a fully grown human (I can get my Ph.D. in Biomedicine but I can't manage to feed myself healthfully) how do I figure out how to feed a growing toddler? (I'm going to look into the website Betsy suggested in her comment the other day, I think that will be a huge help).
At the library, looking for books about how to feed your child, I come across Michael Pollen's The Omnivore's Dilemma. One promise I have made is to try to stop eating high-fructose corn syrup, in all the foods it comes in. I read label after label in the bread aisle until I found one with actual whole grains and no HFCS in it. This book talks about how corn has come to be an ingredient in such a high proportion of food. It also talks about cows becoming supermarket meat, but I'm not to that part yet, so I managed to eat a philly cheese steak with my dad tonight.
So I'm making progress. (With the non-HFCS bread, I mean. I guess the philly cheese steak isn't really progress.) And I'm still reading. My goal is to put together a collection of go-to meals that become instinctive. Spaghetti and sauce. Um ... yea. Things that I can work into our dinners as staples, and then experiment with new recipes as I have time/energy. I don't much like cooking meat, so ground beef is the most meat that I usually cook.
I want to start eating more locally-grown foods. I want to start eating more whole foods, and raw where appropriate. In the past when I've gotten the idea to eat "close to the source", I end up buying a bunch of beautiful food that I never do anything with. I want to stop eating packaged food - but then I'm afraid I won't know how to do that, or how to eat.
Eating isn't supposed to be this hard. Why can't I just be normal?
--
Added:
A quote from The Omnivore's Dilemma (the Young Readers version, since they didn't have the Adult version at my library).
Ah-ha. Maybe I'm not so abnormal after all.
I experience alot of anxiety about my Wee One's eating. I have ever since the beginning. As a nursing mother, you just Obsess from the first moment. Is she latching on, is she getting enough, when will my milk come in, will the nurses EVER stop trying to push formula? That was compounded by a night in the NICU where every time I nursed her, they would then weigh her, and if I hadn't given her enough milk, they force-fed her formula with a syringe. I tried so hard to force milk into her that night, and the Obsession was born.
I'm reading books - because that's what I do. Any problem or issue I've ever faced, I combat with a stack of reading material. I had ordered Baby-Led Weaning at the encouragement of some mamas on the Diaperswappers forums when I first posted about my anxiety about her eating issues. That approach encourages you to present whole foods - samples of what you are eating for each meal - to your child early on. As they play with the food, put it in their mouth, gum it, etc, they learn the necessary motor skills for eating. Meanwhile, you're still nursing them, same as ever. As they develop, they begin to actually consume more and more food at each meal. Eventually they will eat more and nurse less.
Oh, if only I could be that relaxed about it. I guess you can be, when you're talking about a 6-month old, or a 9-month old. But she's 13 months old, shouldn't she be eating MORE? But then, I don't want to force food down her throat. Hello, here's your mother laying the foundation for your future eating disorder. Here's the name of a good therapist. I'll go ahead and put money in the bank for it, you're gonna need it.
Maybe I can do it. All summer, just go back to breastfeeding on demand, and give her foods at mealtimes, and as she begins to eat more (IF she begins to eat more) she will then just nurse less (yea right). THAT will require finding a new pediatrician, as my current one keeps asking me when I'm going to "stop that". Nursing, that is. (Next time I plan to say something like "Never". Or "I'm sure she'll stop sometime before high school". Or "Stop? They stop nursing? I didn't realize that. Hmmm. I'll ask her when she wants to. We'll get back with you on that.")
Sunday we were in the grocery store. I had a partial list of things I knew I needed. The doctor had said "just go through the grocery aisles and look for soft foods", so that was my plan. Halfway through the store I realized ... I don't know how to eat well. How in the world am I supposed to feed my daughter well (healthy) when I don't know how to feed myself well?
In college I developed an eating disorder. In graduate school, during therapy, my eating disorder was diagnosed. (By someone other than my husband-at-the-time, who found a bottle of ipecac syrup and believed me when I said I had it for my dog's first-aid kit.) That therapist's suggestion was to remove the labels of "good" and "bad" from food. Those labels just induce guilt and lay the groundwork for binge eating. She wanted me to stop beating myself up when I ate something I wanted. She told me not to go on diets, since diets restrict eating and lead to more binging.
Yay for me. I get to eat whatever I want and I was told by my therapist not to diet!
Obviously the next step in therapy like that is to gradually learn more healthful ways of eating. Somehow we never got to that step, and I just held on to "yay my therapist said no food is bad".
I have a book about zen cooking. I adore shopping at Whole Foods, or farmer's markets. I love the idea of cooking a meal based on healthy, green, wholesome ingredients. But when it comes down to instinct eating - your default eating pattern that you turn to when you're busy or tired or stressed or you otherwise don't want to think about your food - well, it's not pretty.
At the store, I managed to buy a mishmash of healthy things. Then Monday night it was time to make dinner.
I ate healthy "stuff", but it wasn't really dinner. I steamed vegetables, boiled some chopped potatoes, decided that I didn't want a meat, remembered that I wanted to try to feed her cottage cheese before it expired in the fridge. So my plate had steamed veggies, boiled potatoes, and cottage cheese. It wasn't even really "dinner", just a combination of unrelated things I'd cooked and put on our plates.
I feel so inadequate. I don't know how to eat.
I know how to cook. The times I've had my parents over and I actually followed a recipe and made a meal, they have enjoyed it immensely. I have tons of cookbooks. When I sit down and do it, I can make a week's food plan, and cook up some mean dinners. But it means sitting down and finding recipes and making lists and a plan. I don't mind making that effort, but my point is, I find it to be an effort.
It doesn't come naturally to me.
So how do I teach my daughter something that I don't know? And if I can't figure out what to feed a fully grown human (I can get my Ph.D. in Biomedicine but I can't manage to feed myself healthfully) how do I figure out how to feed a growing toddler? (I'm going to look into the website Betsy suggested in her comment the other day, I think that will be a huge help).
At the library, looking for books about how to feed your child, I come across Michael Pollen's The Omnivore's Dilemma. One promise I have made is to try to stop eating high-fructose corn syrup, in all the foods it comes in. I read label after label in the bread aisle until I found one with actual whole grains and no HFCS in it. This book talks about how corn has come to be an ingredient in such a high proportion of food. It also talks about cows becoming supermarket meat, but I'm not to that part yet, so I managed to eat a philly cheese steak with my dad tonight.
So I'm making progress. (With the non-HFCS bread, I mean. I guess the philly cheese steak isn't really progress.) And I'm still reading. My goal is to put together a collection of go-to meals that become instinctive. Spaghetti and sauce. Um ... yea. Things that I can work into our dinners as staples, and then experiment with new recipes as I have time/energy. I don't much like cooking meat, so ground beef is the most meat that I usually cook.
I want to start eating more locally-grown foods. I want to start eating more whole foods, and raw where appropriate. In the past when I've gotten the idea to eat "close to the source", I end up buying a bunch of beautiful food that I never do anything with. I want to stop eating packaged food - but then I'm afraid I won't know how to do that, or how to eat.
Eating isn't supposed to be this hard. Why can't I just be normal?
--
Added:
A quote from The Omnivore's Dilemma (the Young Readers version, since they didn't have the Adult version at my library).
Standing in our giant supermarkets, we feel more last than someone standing in a forest ten thousand years ago. We no longer know for sure which foods are good for us and which foods aren't. Thanks to our food industry, we don't even know what it is we're eating. Sometimes it even seems like we've forgotten why we eat. (Emphasis his).
Ah-ha. Maybe I'm not so abnormal after all.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Tired
Today is my least favorite day of the entire semester. It is the day that I calculate and post grades. Invariably there will be students who are disappointed. I try to remind them throughout the semester that I don't "give" grades, I just add up the points and do the math. I try to remind them that a grade is a reflection of their work throughout the semester. But someone will call or email or show up and try to finagle more points, and I hate having to deal with that. I have had students threaten violence in the past, but that's rare. More often it's just begging and pleading that becomes annoying.
This semester has been rough. I took over teaching the classes of another professor when she needed to take a medical leave of absence. While the students seemed grateful that their semester could be salvaged - rather than being set back in their timeline for applying to the selective admissions programs - they also began to wheedle me to see how much they could get. I had been "encouraged" by the Dean to "make any necessary accommodations" to help the students "adjust to the transition".
The previous instructor had already assigned quite a bit of work for the students, some of which she was planning to count in their grade, and some of which would be extra credit. The first day I walked into the class - with the Dean - to meet a barrage of questions, I was asked if they would be given credit for that work. I had been unaware of the work that had been assigned and not yet graded, so I simply said "I will make sure that you get credit for the work you have done." When pressed, my answer was "I had not factored that material into my grading scheme, but since you were assigned it previously, I will make sure that you get credit for it. It will probably count as extra credit."
Ugh.
She had told them they could have extra credit for giving blood. She had told them to "make up data" and write a "pretend" lab report analyzing the made up data and she would give them extra credit.
?!?!?!?!?!?!
I am not really an "extra credit" kind of person. At the academic level of these courses, we're a little past the "extra credit" stage. If you have the time to work on extra credit, you have the time to study the course material. This is a content-heavy class, and the students need to know the content to be able to be successful in their academic program and career. I sure don't want to have a nurse come in who doesn't know her anatomy, but managed to give enough blood to get through her anatomy class.
But I said it. So I have to do it. And since I didn't give them a due date, I guess I'll still accept the ones I found slipped under my door when I got here this morning.... This is SO not how I normally do things!
On top of this being my least favorite day of the semester, I am so VERY tired. The Wee One didn't sleep well. I believe we may have some teeth coming in. On top of the allergies or cold or whatever is making her congested and coughing. The last few nights I haven't been nursing her to sleep. I nurse her in her room and then we go to bed in my bed. She moves around and sings and talks, but eventually she lays her head on the pillow next to mine and the next thing I know, she's breathing deeply (or snoring). Yay! Last night that happened at 8:30. Then she was up at 9:30, 10:30, midnight, 2:00, 4:00, 5:30.
Ugh.
At 4:30, when she wasn't able to nurse because she was so congested, I gave her 1 mL of Benadryl. She finally nursed at 5:30 and went back to sleep. And stayed asleep through my alarm so I could shower. But then she didn't want to wake up, and was groggy in the car on the way to daycare. So she's tired this morning too.
We'll get it worked out. So far the "not nursing to sleep" thing is working. I'm glad that I'm taking it in little steps. It feels very gentle that way. Even if we are still tired.
This semester has been rough. I took over teaching the classes of another professor when she needed to take a medical leave of absence. While the students seemed grateful that their semester could be salvaged - rather than being set back in their timeline for applying to the selective admissions programs - they also began to wheedle me to see how much they could get. I had been "encouraged" by the Dean to "make any necessary accommodations" to help the students "adjust to the transition".
The previous instructor had already assigned quite a bit of work for the students, some of which she was planning to count in their grade, and some of which would be extra credit. The first day I walked into the class - with the Dean - to meet a barrage of questions, I was asked if they would be given credit for that work. I had been unaware of the work that had been assigned and not yet graded, so I simply said "I will make sure that you get credit for the work you have done." When pressed, my answer was "I had not factored that material into my grading scheme, but since you were assigned it previously, I will make sure that you get credit for it. It will probably count as extra credit."
Ugh.
She had told them they could have extra credit for giving blood. She had told them to "make up data" and write a "pretend" lab report analyzing the made up data and she would give them extra credit.
?!?!?!?!?!?!
I am not really an "extra credit" kind of person. At the academic level of these courses, we're a little past the "extra credit" stage. If you have the time to work on extra credit, you have the time to study the course material. This is a content-heavy class, and the students need to know the content to be able to be successful in their academic program and career. I sure don't want to have a nurse come in who doesn't know her anatomy, but managed to give enough blood to get through her anatomy class.
But I said it. So I have to do it. And since I didn't give them a due date, I guess I'll still accept the ones I found slipped under my door when I got here this morning.... This is SO not how I normally do things!
On top of this being my least favorite day of the semester, I am so VERY tired. The Wee One didn't sleep well. I believe we may have some teeth coming in. On top of the allergies or cold or whatever is making her congested and coughing. The last few nights I haven't been nursing her to sleep. I nurse her in her room and then we go to bed in my bed. She moves around and sings and talks, but eventually she lays her head on the pillow next to mine and the next thing I know, she's breathing deeply (or snoring). Yay! Last night that happened at 8:30. Then she was up at 9:30, 10:30, midnight, 2:00, 4:00, 5:30.
Ugh.
At 4:30, when she wasn't able to nurse because she was so congested, I gave her 1 mL of Benadryl. She finally nursed at 5:30 and went back to sleep. And stayed asleep through my alarm so I could shower. But then she didn't want to wake up, and was groggy in the car on the way to daycare. So she's tired this morning too.
We'll get it worked out. So far the "not nursing to sleep" thing is working. I'm glad that I'm taking it in little steps. It feels very gentle that way. Even if we are still tired.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
My Morning - So Far
We didn't sleep all that great last night. We slept in about 2-hour stretches, which is enough for me to not go crazy, but I feel VERY tired this morning. Her last wake-up to nurse was at 4:20. I nursed her really good, then I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up. I then proceeded to ... make the guest bed, put the laundry in the dryer, put away clean clothes in her bedroom and put the huge pile of winter clothes I had pulled out a week ago into a tote for the basement, put away books and toys in her bedroom, organize her hair elastics into baggies, do some dishes, put away toys and books in the living room, sweep the kitchen and dining room, mop the kitchen and dining room, pack the diaper bag and a food and milk bag, pick up all the dirty laundry and throw it downstairs, clean the food (and ants!!!!) off her highchair, drink a coke, shower and get dressed, and schlepp all the bags to the car.
By then I was exhaused, and it was 6:30. Time to get her up and dressed and pull her hair off her face and get her to her Nan's because I still had two exams to write before my 8:00 class.
I finished editing one, printed it out, and students are currently taking it as I write this. I just finished editing the other, I will print it out in a bit, and then set up the lab exam for this afternoon.
So, while I am utterly exhausted, I seem to be functioning rather well on adrenaline and a bit of caffiene, and I seem to be chugging along through my Stress (Finals) Week.
This was her on Saturday, on our way to a Derby Party.
This is what makes it all worth it.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Its The First Last Beginning of The End
I was going to be super-positive this morning. I posted on Facebook that I am "glad its almost almost the day before the end of the week."
I know this time of the semester gets crazy. And when you're teaching two people's worth of classes, its double crazy. I thought I could keep it all together.
The first chink in the armor occured around 7:10 this morning. Running late, I go out the door with the Wee One, my purse, my pump bag, her diaper bag, and a bottle of breast milk I did manage to remember to grab from the fridge. I plunk my purse and the bottle of milk on the hood of the car, planning to wrangle the diaper bag and the wee one into the backseat, when I hear the sound of plastic hitting concrete. And splitting. I look down to see:
Yes, ladies, that is 5 ounces (FIVE ounces!) of painstakingly pumped breastmilk spreading across the driveway and seeping into the ground. And the remnant of the cap that broke. Apparently Medela caps aren't "shatterproof". Or even shatter resistant. One ounce was saved. One ounce.
I cried, of course. I have quite an emotional bond with my milk. Yes, it borders on unhealthy. NO, I don't care.
The second chink in the armor occurs as I am walking across the parking lot, trying to figure out what I'm doing for my 8 am class since I don't have a powerpoint prepared. I think I have a plan when I realize: I forgot the flanges and connectors for my pump. And I have NO TIME to go home to get them. I can't pump. I'll be fine, I've had days where I didn't have time to pump, and I just nurse her really good when I get home. I think I have one thing of frozen milk left to thaw for daycare tomorrow. I tell myself its ok.
The straw that broke the camel's back came at 7:45, about 15 minutes before my class. I walk into my office and set my purse on my desk, knocking over a coke that I had left from yesterday afternoon. And it goes everywhere. And by everywhere, I really mean ALL OVER ME. So this is what my shirt and pants look like 15 minutes before my class I'm not prepared for:
I cried for 10 minutes. And then I wiped my face and went and taught my class.
And now I'm shutting down everything except for Microsoft so I can make the d--- Powerpoints that I need to, and I can write the d--- exam that I need to, and I can put the d--- scores into Blackboard that I need to, and grade the d--- tests that I need to, and write the d--- study guides that they keep pestering me about, so that I can stop feeling so d--- stressed out.
And I have this to help me relax and focus:
(Which is totally illegal in the building where my office is and I. Don't. Care)
Aaaahhhhh.
More positivity to come, I promise. Soon. As soon as I have time.
*The title comes from a conversation between my mom and I yesterday. I think she was trying to say that this is the beginning of the end of the semester and I should just hang in there for the next couple of weeks. It came out sounding about as crazy as I feel. We had a good laugh. I told her it sounded like the perfect blog post title.
**Sorry about the crappy cell phone pics.
--
UPDATE: The milk gods smiled on me on Wednesday. I got a total of 8 ounces, 2 more than usual. Relieved!
I know this time of the semester gets crazy. And when you're teaching two people's worth of classes, its double crazy. I thought I could keep it all together.
The first chink in the armor occured around 7:10 this morning. Running late, I go out the door with the Wee One, my purse, my pump bag, her diaper bag, and a bottle of breast milk I did manage to remember to grab from the fridge. I plunk my purse and the bottle of milk on the hood of the car, planning to wrangle the diaper bag and the wee one into the backseat, when I hear the sound of plastic hitting concrete. And splitting. I look down to see:
Yes, ladies, that is 5 ounces (FIVE ounces!) of painstakingly pumped breastmilk spreading across the driveway and seeping into the ground. And the remnant of the cap that broke. Apparently Medela caps aren't "shatterproof". Or even shatter resistant. One ounce was saved. One ounce.
I cried, of course. I have quite an emotional bond with my milk. Yes, it borders on unhealthy. NO, I don't care.
The second chink in the armor occurs as I am walking across the parking lot, trying to figure out what I'm doing for my 8 am class since I don't have a powerpoint prepared. I think I have a plan when I realize: I forgot the flanges and connectors for my pump. And I have NO TIME to go home to get them. I can't pump. I'll be fine, I've had days where I didn't have time to pump, and I just nurse her really good when I get home. I think I have one thing of frozen milk left to thaw for daycare tomorrow. I tell myself its ok.
The straw that broke the camel's back came at 7:45, about 15 minutes before my class. I walk into my office and set my purse on my desk, knocking over a coke that I had left from yesterday afternoon. And it goes everywhere. And by everywhere, I really mean ALL OVER ME. So this is what my shirt and pants look like 15 minutes before my class I'm not prepared for:
I cried for 10 minutes. And then I wiped my face and went and taught my class.
And now I'm shutting down everything except for Microsoft so I can make the d--- Powerpoints that I need to, and I can write the d--- exam that I need to, and I can put the d--- scores into Blackboard that I need to, and grade the d--- tests that I need to, and write the d--- study guides that they keep pestering me about, so that I can stop feeling so d--- stressed out.
And I have this to help me relax and focus:
(Which is totally illegal in the building where my office is and I. Don't. Care)
Aaaahhhhh.
More positivity to come, I promise. Soon. As soon as I have time.
*The title comes from a conversation between my mom and I yesterday. I think she was trying to say that this is the beginning of the end of the semester and I should just hang in there for the next couple of weeks. It came out sounding about as crazy as I feel. We had a good laugh. I told her it sounded like the perfect blog post title.
**Sorry about the crappy cell phone pics.
--
UPDATE: The milk gods smiled on me on Wednesday. I got a total of 8 ounces, 2 more than usual. Relieved!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Usually It Works
I had read a long time ago some brain research that demonstrated subjects were able to focus longer and on increasingly more complex information while listening to Baroque period classical music than while not listening to music or even while listening to other types of music. It appears that the tempos in Baroque period music match certain brain waves, and that is how it helps to facilitate concentration.
I didn't spend the time to track down the original article I read, instead I did a search and found the first link that looked feasible. If I let myself, I could have spent all day finding a single link for this post. I'm trying not to procrastinate THAT much.
I use Pandora quite a bit while at work. At home I have Rhapsody, but at work I am unable to download it, so I use Pandora, since it is web-based. (Yes, Rhapsody has a web-based app, but some glitch keeps it from recognizing my stations even when I log in, and all the people in India that I have talked to in the last 4 years about it haven't been able to fix it. So there.)
I have a Baroque station on Pandora. So when I am seriously stressed out and unable to focus, or when I am seriously freaking out and unable to focus, or when I'm just spacing out and unable to focus, or just generally unable to focus (he he) then I put that station on as background music.
Usually, it helps. I have found that when I have it playing in the background, I am usually more efficient, and I am able to get started on stuff I put off, and keep working on tasks for longer.
This morning? No go. Mozart, and Handel, and all the Telemann trumpet concertos in the world can't save me. I've spent an hour reading mom blogs of women that I don't know, don't have much in common with (one has a cute little girl, tho, so we have that) and have no business reading in the middle of a Monday morning when I have a stack *this* high of other crap I need to do.
Maybe I should read some blog posts about procrastination. That might help me. Right?
--
Added: I closed the blog window. But that meant the 43 folders window was the next up. And I clicked a link and read, where there was a link I wanted to read. So I ended up here. And its funny. NOW I'm quitting, tho. I promise.
I think.
--
OMG it's a SICKNESS. I thought "I'll just make a to-do list. Then I'll see exactly what I need to work on and I can get started. I have a calendar on Google Calendar, I can go there and type in some to-dos and it will help me get started.
And I've spent another half an hour fiddling with the colors. And then I was going to put "music class" but I thought NO, I can make a calendar with my MommieV email, and merge them, and have a "work" calendar and a "MommieV" calendar, and then I can invite my mom and dad to be part of the Family calendar and ....
And I still HAVE NOT started grading the Monday class' lab exam. From last Monday. Last. Monday.
--
I didn't spend the time to track down the original article I read, instead I did a search and found the first link that looked feasible. If I let myself, I could have spent all day finding a single link for this post. I'm trying not to procrastinate THAT much.
I use Pandora quite a bit while at work. At home I have Rhapsody, but at work I am unable to download it, so I use Pandora, since it is web-based. (Yes, Rhapsody has a web-based app, but some glitch keeps it from recognizing my stations even when I log in, and all the people in India that I have talked to in the last 4 years about it haven't been able to fix it. So there.)
I have a Baroque station on Pandora. So when I am seriously stressed out and unable to focus, or when I am seriously freaking out and unable to focus, or when I'm just spacing out and unable to focus, or just generally unable to focus (he he) then I put that station on as background music.
Usually, it helps. I have found that when I have it playing in the background, I am usually more efficient, and I am able to get started on stuff I put off, and keep working on tasks for longer.
This morning? No go. Mozart, and Handel, and all the Telemann trumpet concertos in the world can't save me. I've spent an hour reading mom blogs of women that I don't know, don't have much in common with (one has a cute little girl, tho, so we have that) and have no business reading in the middle of a Monday morning when I have a stack *this* high of other crap I need to do.
Maybe I should read some blog posts about procrastination. That might help me. Right?
--
Added: I closed the blog window. But that meant the 43 folders window was the next up. And I clicked a link and read, where there was a link I wanted to read. So I ended up here. And its funny. NOW I'm quitting, tho. I promise.
I think.
--
OMG it's a SICKNESS. I thought "I'll just make a to-do list. Then I'll see exactly what I need to work on and I can get started. I have a calendar on Google Calendar, I can go there and type in some to-dos and it will help me get started.
And I've spent another half an hour fiddling with the colors. And then I was going to put "music class" but I thought NO, I can make a calendar with my MommieV email, and merge them, and have a "work" calendar and a "MommieV" calendar, and then I can invite my mom and dad to be part of the Family calendar and ....
And I still HAVE NOT started grading the Monday class' lab exam. From last Monday. Last. Monday.
--
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