Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Apparently I Am Spouse

Warning: intensely irrational VENT ahead.  I'm having a Bad Day and THIS did not help.  AT ALL.

I'M SICK OF FEELING MARGINALIZED.  It's 2010 people.  Women have babies without men.  All.  The.  Time.  And to do so, that often has to involve the medical community.  So WHY THE EFF does the medical community then ASSUME that all children have two parents?

If you missed my first diatribe about the medical community making me feel bad about being a single mom, it was up at Our Mommyhood last week.

My daughter is going for allergy testing in a few weeks.  I had a few moments today when I was trying to get my shit together cleaning off my desk to complete the forms.

Exhibit A:

I'm too pissed off to even rotate the photo.  Deal.
Exhibit B:

The first part of the form asks for the patient's occupation.  If the patient is a child, they want the FATHER's occupation here.  (Can I put "Sperm Donor"?)  The mother's information goes under Spouse.  As in, second class citizen, practically.

The second part of the form asks about environmental conditions.  "Does child live with both parents, yes or no?  If not, describe visitation."  He has never seen her in his life because his role was Sperm Donor, see previous page.

I have half a mind to cancel the appointment.  This is the allergist that was referred by our Ped, but I'm about to call them and tell them that they appear to be so unfriendly to single mothers that I don't care to even set foot in their office.

I won't, probably.  I'll calm down in 10 minutes when I eat something.  But I do plan to inform them when we go that their paperwork is outdated and should be more accommodating.

For the first part, I crossed out "father" and wrote in "mother", and put College Professor as my occupation.  For Spouse I put N/A for "not applicable".

For the back, I am a little unsure how to answer.  No, she doesn't live with both parents.  She lives with her mother who had her on her own.  I'm thinking of putting "no" then "no visitation" and then having a little fun when they get confused.  What do they want you to put if one parent dies?  Visitation "in heaven"?  The question is all around structured poorly.

I'll try to use it as an opportunity to inform others.  If I can calm down before then.  Otherwise ... it might be bad.


Serifm said...

AHA! UNLIKE the last time, when your Wee One was urgently sick and you didn't have time to straighten people the eff out, this would be a great opportunity. Not when you're hungry and enraged, obviously, but soon. They need to realize how completely stupid their paperwork is. This isn't 1952.

Lacie said...

I agree that this is worthy of being irritated and over all pissed-off about. However, I just read this on another blogger's post, "Why is it that we judge other's by their actions but we judge ourselves by our intent?" It's got me thinking.

She heard this at a time when she really needed it. She was good and pissed about a comment someone made about her struggle with infertility as it relates to adoption. The moral of the post, and it was an outstanding post, was that there was no ill intention behind the action (in this case the form). However, clearly the form is outdated and I emphatically think that you should discuss the wording with the doctor. This could be a great opportunity to educate. If you cancel the appointment, what will change? Nada. The next single mom who comes in will again feel marginalized and perhaps she won't have nearly the confidence that you do to say something.

I am thinking that nobody has taken the time to really put any thought into it, and it's high time that they do.

Here is the post that I referenced:

By the way: I LOVE Cloth Tushie Tuesday! I pick up some little nugget each time a read a post, please keep them coming! I also forwarded your blog to my sister-in-law who is due with her baby in a few weeks. She, too is a professor and she really got a kick out of the post where you detailed your day. She's now following you.

S.I.F. said...

When I was filling out my forms for my IVF cycles, I remember crossing out whole pages of information regarding my "spouse".

At a fertility clinic! Where I couldn't possibly have been the only single women TTC!

MommieV said...

Lacie, thanks for some great perspective. I obviously shouldn't write when I need to eat lunch instead! You're right, I don't think they have intentionally said "we're going to be lame and sexist and patriarchal in our forms here". I think I was lumping it in with other experiences I've had recently, too. Thanks for your comment!

MommieV said...

So for the second question I think I am going to put "no" (which still isn't really accurate, it still implies something is missing) and then under the blank for visitation (with "visitation" CROSSED OUT), put "I AM A SINGLE MOTHER BY CHOICE" and use that as a conversation point. But I'm also planning to make it clear that the forms were difficult for me to fill out because they don't fit my family situation, or a lot of modern family situations for that matter.

I was much less angry once I ate.