Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Why I Almost Shivved An Old Lady At The Store

I was off work today.  Here was our list:

To Do Today:
1.  Buy colored goldfish crackers
2.  Buy a $4-5 book for a two-year-old for a book exchange at daycare
3.  Take the Wee One to open gym at the gymnastics center to see how she does

So we went to a grocery store near the gymnastics place (Sportsplex - I am so out of my league here).  At one point I had my phone and my keys and my wallet.  In the car going to gymnastics I only had keys and my wallet, no phone.

In the parking lot once we got there, I looked around for it.  We would  have to go back to the grocery store, but it could wait an hour while we did open gym, right?

Ever wondered where your (brand new, expensive) phone could be for an hour?  It's fun.  The anxiety builds a little at a time.  You glance fervently at the clock, and then at your daughter having a ball on the trampoline.

Finally, after an hour, plus song time, plus getting a hand stamp because all the other kids are time, plus meltdown because now she's exhausted and it's time to go time, plus following random children all the places possible except out to the car time, I was starting to freak a little.

So we go back to the grocery where, no, they have not seen my phone.  I am standing there, holding a very tired Wee One on my hip, trying desperately not to have a meltdown of my own, wondering what the hell I do now.  The service desk clerk walks back into the office, and a knarled sweet old lady walks up beside me.  She has heard the end of the conversation, so she knows I'm looking for my cell phone.  So she starts asking questions.

"Do you know that you lost it here, dear?"  I have already tried to figure out the last place I know I had it.  I was switching it from the pocket with my keys to the pocket without my keys to keep the screen from being scratched.  Was that here?  Before here?  After here?  I've been thinking about this for an hour and I have no idea.  So I reply "when we got to where we were going after here, I didn't have it.  That's all I know."

She gets this wierd look on her face like I have been rude to her.  I'm sorry, I'M FREAKING THE EFF OUT ABOUT LOSING A BRAND NEW EXPENSIVE PHONE HERE.

Then she says "Can you call it and see if you hear it ring?"  I reply "Unfortunately I had turned the ringer off so it would be silent for where we were going."

This old lady, complete stranger, narrows her gaze on me and says "Then how do you think you're ever going to find it?"

AND HOW DO YOU THINK THAT IS HELPFUL TO ME, CRAZY OLD LADY?

I stare her straight in the eye, but I cannot bring myself to speak.  Because profane words that begin with the letter F are just dancing on the tip of my tongue, and I think it best not to curse out a tiny old woman at the service desk of the grocery store where I believe I might have lost my phone.

I have a thing about old people in the grocery ever since some crazy old lady gave my daughter a sucker.  Now this woman not only butts her way into my business, but then tells me I'm condemned to never find my phone again because the ringer was off.

The service clerk comes out and tells me I'm SOL.  I ask if I can leave a number they can try to reach me at in case they find it.  He sighs deeply and slaps down a piece of paper and an orange pen.  After leaving my mom's number, I ask if they have a phone I can use.  "Our phones don't dial out" was the curt reply.

The very nice manager of the bank inside the grocery store let me cry and snot on his phone to my mom that I thought my phone was gone and that I'd almost killed a little old lady who was nosy.

Then on the way home, while searching around the floorboard of the backseat with my hand (because what else is there to do while rocketing down the interstate with a sleeping baby in the back?) I found my phone.

So that's why there are no cute photos of her first day at gymnastics.  Also, because I spent most of the time stuck trying to haul my fat ass out of the foam pit without losing my socks.  What a day off.

5 comments:

Funky Mama Bird said...

I once got home from a date with The Viking to find my phone gone. I dialed it from a pay phone, hoping someone would hear it ring, etc but no dice.

It turned out, much later, that it was under the seat of his car but he had the radio turned up so high he never heard it. It was one of the worst moments of my life, I swear, not knowing where that phone could be!

Also, isn't the foam pit a workout? Just climbing out of that thing must burn hundreds of calories!

Esperanza said...

Sorry you had such a sh!t day but so glad you found your phone! I just got a new iPhone4 and I'm terrified I'm either going to lose it or have it stolen right out of my hand (just happened to my sister). I'm wondering if it's even worth it, it causes me so much anxiety. But then I see the picture I just took of my daughter (posted on my blog today) and I think, yeah, it is!

Lace said...

Love it!
"So that's why there are no cute photos of her first day at gymnastics. Also, because I spent most of the time stuck trying to haul my fat ass out of the foam pit without losing my socks."

I am glad that you found your phone. That's so stressful.

MommieV said...

So there was a dad there, who was kinda cute. And not wearing a wedding ring. And he got in the foam pit. So then I did too. So then another mom did too. Well, the dad apparently has the upper body strength to haul himself out on the higher side (away from the two fat mommies). Leaving the two fat mommies trying to clamor over foam blocks that don't support 230 pounds like they do 23 pounds. You know how drowning people try to climb over each other? That was kindof us. I had to take off my socks, or lose them. I left her losing her pants as I clawed my way up the side of the trampoline to get out and chase my kid who was practically out to the parking lot by that time.

Needless to say the cute dad looked at neither of the fat mommies for the rest of the hour.

Laraf123 said...

Once I thought I'd lost my wallet at the mall. I used my cellphone to cancel all my credit cards while driving home. Seven minutes later, when got out in my garage, I found my wallet on the floor of my backseat. Happens to the best of us (or at least I'm glad I'm not the only one!) Glad everything turned out ok. But just maybe you should look for a different grocery store with a younger demographic?