Dear Babysitter

Thank you for coming to my house to watch my Wee One.  She is a toddler now, so I thought I would leave you with a few ... thoughts.

1.  I have tried to pick up all the dried up cheese pieces and gobs of oatmeal from around the house, but you may come across some I have missed.  We don't really save them around here (even though it looks like we do) so you can throw them away.  Or eat them, whichever.  I know I'm not paying you well, so that will suffice as your snack if you'd like.

2,  She is allowed to watch Baby Einstein if she asks you, which she will.  Yes, I know she is only 16 months old, but when your eardrums get pierced because of the screeching, you'll know what I am talking about.  If you push the play button twice, it rewinds and replays at the end of the tape, but by then she will be wandering around getting into something she's not supposed to, so it doesn't buy you any more free time.

3.  You will need the shorts that are over her diaper, especially if you replace it with a clean diaper that closes with velcro.  Thinking "oh, I'll just leave them off this once" as she squirms away from you will cost you.  If you spot her naked hind end across the room, don't waste time looking for the shed diaper, just put a new one on her.  You don't want to have a floor mess to clean up too.

4.  She probably won't eat any of the food that you try to feed her, so just accept that fact and move on.  She will, however, try to consume (a) any alcoholic beverage you may be drinking, (b) anything with caffiene that you may be drinking, (c) anything she wants to feed to the dog that you may be eating.  She does seem to be able to subsist on crackers and juice alone, so just give her one every time she makes the sign, and about half of them won't get left for the dog.

5.  She will need a nap at some point.  You will recognize this point due to the dark circles under her eyes, and she will rub her face.  Pull the curtains, turn off the light (and the Baby Einstein), and close the door.  You will marvel at how intensely she can scream bloody murder.  I assure you, she will go to sleep.

6.  Next time, get a good nights sleep the night before coming over.  Chasing her around the house is like running an ultramarathon, only noone is there to hand you cups of water and cheer you on.  Except for me.  I'll cheer, because I want you to come back another time and do it all over again.

Please.