Friday, March 19, 2010

Why Do I Feel So Crappy When Its So Sunny Out?

I feel sick. Not really physically sick. Just ... ugh. Today is an "ugh" day.

It is the Friday of my Spring Break. I had such lofty goals for this week. But I haven't felt like doing any of them. I some essential goals for this week (like grade the 225 exams I have from last week). But I haven't felt like doing that, either.

I have only felt like being with Wee One. And at 2:00 this morning, I didn't even feel like doing that.

I have tried to keep her on a schedule, and that hasn't worked. I have tried to get her out into the Spring sunshine that has graced us these last two days. We have gone for walks, sat in the grass, visited neighbors. I have shoved as much food as possible down her throat. I have nursed her, and tried not to nurse her so she would eat more solids. We have our bedtime routine down to a science. I have done ev.ery.thing possible.

And she still isn't sleeping well.

Last night she went to bed around 8:30. And then was up at 9:30, 11:00, 12:30, 2:30, 3:30, 4:45, 5:30, and 6:15. And then she slept until 9:00.

I guess I'm just beyond exhausted. It's hard for me to fall asleep now. I can't nap when she naps, because if it's just for 45 minutes, I'm just getting to sleep when she wakes up. Not to mention ALL THE CRAP I HAVE TO DO WHEN SHE'S ASLEEP BECAUSE ITS SO HARD TO DO WHEN SHE'S AWAKE.

So today I decided to garden. I have a house now. I want the yard to be nice. My mom bought me some bulbs that I want to get in the ground. I actually have a plan for the yard. I have picked plants that I think are pretty, and I have little color-gardens planned for all over the yard. These bulbs will fit well with that plan, in an area of a little planter area in the backyard.

To do anything, though, requires so much effort. I have to get the gardening equipment from mom's house. Which is only 4 houses down, how hard is that, V? I have to get Wee One in the stroller, we have to walk down there, I have to open the garage to get into their house - now what do I do with her? Do I leave her in the (open) garage where some stranger could steal her? I run in the house and grab the key to the shed. But their dog wants to go out. Dog out the back door, I go out through the garage, push Wee One's stroller to the backyard. Get the things I need from the shed, pile them in the basket under the stroller (imagine garden claws and rakes sticking out of the back of a Graco). Then I have to reverse all that to get the dog and the key back inside with doors appropriately locked and blocked.

Back to our house, in the backyard, baby on a blanket in the sunshine with toys, and I'm FINALLY ready to actually do the chore of planting bulbs.

Only, this special little planting bed? Is full of crap. And by crap I mean ... a heavy metal chain, pieces of wire, lots of rocks and concrete chunks, pieces of burlap and paper, metal clips. Seriously.

Then the baby gets bored. And tired. And wants to nurse, because that's what she wants to do when mom is around. So I have to peel off muddy shoes, wash our dirty hands, change her dirty diaper and clothes, and try to get her to sleep. Which is one chore I loathe, because I never know how its going to go.

Luckily for me, it went well today. Maybe the sunshine and fresh air did work their magic. Good, enough time to finish the mess I'm making in the backyard. Dig holes for the bulbs, plant and cover. Final step: watering. The hose doesn't leak too terribly bad. Here we go.

I think I have the opposite of "well-drained soil". The whole thing turned into an instant mudbath, with the water pooling near the wall of the house. That can't be good. I take the hoe and try to move soil into that area, try to get the water away from the house. And I end up uncovering the planted bulbs.

So this is my Spring Break. I have accomplished nothing inside the house for the big birthday party in two weeks. I have a half-painted bedroom and bathroom that I wanted to finish this week. I have trim and doors and touch-up that need to be done that the original (PAID) painter didn't bother with. I should actually CLEAN the house at some point this week. I should actually FOLD the laundry that I've been doing. Instead, I decide to plant bulbs and make a muddy mess of my backyard. And then sit in the middle of the floor and cry and feel sorry for myself that I can't do anything right and I mess everything up and even my baby won't sleep because I screwed that up too and that's why I'm exhaused and can't deal with anything.

So my little utopian "yellow garden" next to the back door? God help it, it needs some prayers. I have no idea how it will turn out. I'm sure my baby will turn out okay in the long run. She has to learn to sleep eventually, right?

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