Friday, October 8, 2010

I Hate Halloween

There, I said it.

Halloween is for kids, because it's a candy holiday.  If you're older than, say, 12, then Halloween sucks.  Except if you're a teenager invited to parties with alcohol, which I never was. 

So, Halloween sucks.  And I hate it.

I loved Halloween when I was little.  I had a beautiful blue lace dress that my grandmother had sewn for a family wedding.  So I went as a princess every year for, like, 6 years in a row.  Being a princess and getting candy, awesome.

After that, though, it all goes downhill.

I'm too fat for any commercially-available costumes.  Every year that I ever had to shop for a costume, I vowed I would lose weight the next year, so I could fit into one.

I never have anywhere to go to dress up for anyway.  Which is good, so that means I can stop promising I'll lose weight every year because, lets face it, that's more work now than it's probably worth.

I hate being scared, even more now that I'm older, and I hate ugly grotesque representations of dead people, which is a hallmark of the "holiday".

I even hate the color orange.

When I was in elementary school - I believe the 4th grade? - I went to a Halloween party at another school with a friend.  A male friend, son of my mother's best friends.  Girls were just discovering boys, and boys were just discovering that girls were discovering boys, and he didn't want anyone to think I was his girlfriend.  So he ignored me all night. 

My mom loves costumes.  She had come up with this off-the-wall idea to make me into a Bag of Jellybeans for Halloween.  I wore a leotard and tights, and a clear plastic garbage bag filled with balloons and tied around my neck.  Ingenious.  She was so proud.  I was hoping to not be humiliated.

So I'm at a strange school with strange kids.  I know one person who is determined to ignore me.  The Parade of Costumes begins where we all walk around the gym in a circle to see who wins the costume prize.

When the garbage bag breaks in my crotch area and I start losing balloons.  Total and utter public humiliation.

Go ahead, laugh at the mental image of a 10-year-old kid pooping balloons.  It's pretty funny, if it didn't happen to you.

I'm sure this has nothing to do with why I hate Halloween.

For the last 6 years before my Wee One was born, I managed to avoid all things Halloween.  I was never invited to any parties, I didn't have to get a costume.  I lived in an apartment, so I didn't even have to deal with trick-or-treaters.  I could just sit at home and get drunk by myself like all good curmudgeons college professors do.  Trying to avoid students, you know.  Bonus if Halloween falls on a weekend with good football, because then you don't even have to suffer with nothing to watch on tv but scary movies.

Ah, but once you're a parent, you sometimes have to do things you don't want to do.  Like ... Halloween.

My parents are all about Halloween.  They hang a sheet on the garage door and show scary movies and play scary music.  My mom starts buying candy in May and she talks about it for weeks beforehand.

Last year, I inherited in some hand-me-down box, an infant pumpkin costume.  So I put it on my Wee One to have her photo taken, and then we hung out at Nan's house while she joyed in handing out candy and playing the scary stuff on the sheet/screen.  Actually, she made my dad hand out candy and she went inside to open a bottle of wine.  I did the "Oh, look, the baby is tired, we have to go home now" thing.  Sorry that it's only 7:00 and trick-or-treating has just started, we have to go now.

So I managed to escape last year mostly unscathed.

But, as it always does, it's coming again.  And I've started to really think about it.

I don't want to celebrate Halloween.

Sure, I'll get my Wee One a cute costume, because it's a great excuse to dress her up like a cow.  Or a cat.  I think we're going with cat, it's cheaper.

I don't want to take her trick-or-treating.  I don't want to hang with Nan while she gives out candy.  I want to hide in my house and pretend the whole orange, scary, stupid holiday doesn't exist.

I think I need some therapy.


Laraf123 said...

Before my boys were born I hated Halloween too. The doorbell was always ringing--I had to get up from the couch every 3 minutes to hand out expensive droplets of wrapped corn syrup. (Oh yeah, I was also teaching in an elem. school. Some years I took a personal day so I didn't have to be around the chaos!)
But now that I'm a mom, I LOVE planning head to toe costumes and then showing them off. Like your mom, I start early--right after Independence Day. I also buy and send cards. What's your address?--Just kidding!

Funky Mama Bird said...

I love Halloween. There. I said it. LOVE IT. And I can't eat candy, either, so it's not about that.

I love dressing up, love decorating, love making candy apples.

Last year, Gunne was a tiger - the cutest tiger in the entire world.

This year, he's going as The Very Hungry Caterpillar, since that is his very favorite book and he is obsessed with that stupid bug.

Maybe you can find a way to embrace the holiday through your daughter, or at the very least, send her over to your parents' house, lock your door, shut out the lights and pretend it isn't happening at all.

Serifm said...

Or you can dress up your little minion and take her to the zoo party, thus avoiding trick or treaters altogether. (It's not my favorite either.)

MommieV said...

Sara, I'm totally considering that option.

I'm hoping it's on that Saturday. And I'm hoping it's still free to zoo members this year.

Serifm said...

Hey, if my wee one's born on Halloween, I'll throw awesome parties and invite you, and you won't have to worry about it anymore. You can dress in whatever makes you feel fabulous, put your baby in a precious costume, and we'll do our own thing. We'll call it Boos, Brews and BBQ.

MommieV said...

OMG we totally have to do that even if he DOESN'T come on Halloween!

Altho, if you do go into labor, that's an awesome excuse to drop the wee one at Nan's in her costume and come hold your hand!