Friday, October 1, 2010

When I Knew

I came across a new blogger's site tonight, and her post reminded me of a story.

I thought I wanted to have a baby.  On my own, even.  But then I became a Big Sister to a significantly disadvantaged kid.  And that wasn't going so well.  So I decided that I really liked my single lifestyle, I really liked not having to be responsible for anyone but myself (and the dog and the cat), I really liked doing nothing all summer but laying next to the apartment complex pool being drunk and listening to bad radio.

And that's when it happened.  A drunken escapade with the ex-boyfriend, and I got knocked up.

Probably already pregnant here, just didn't know yet.
My dad and I went to a local park for a walk.  He had been so great when I told him the news.  He held his hand out to me and said "everything will be okay" and I melted.  So it took me by surprise that he took advantage of our alone time to suggest to me that I needed to really evaluate what having a child would be like, and decide if that's what I wanted.  Because if I wanted to decide NOT to do this, it's better to make that decision sooner rather than later.

I admitted to my therapist days later that I was shocked that my dad would suggest that I might have an abortion.  She also discussed it like it was a decision to be considered.  I left her office actually wondering if I really wanted to be pregnant after all.

I was still pondering these conversations one afternoon that week while driving from a meeting at one campus of the college where I taught back to the campus where my office was located.  While driving a little too fast on a curvy road (at 1 pm in broad freaking daylight) I come around a curve to a deer running across the road.  I managed to slow the car slightly, but I still hit the deer with the front passenger corner of my car.
I am an animal lover.  Things like this upset me to a very extreme degree.  I immediately became hysterical.  Like, screaming in the car and freaking the total F out hysterical.  I kept driving, and kept screaming.  And then a thought.

Calm down, or you'll hurt the baby.

That was the moment I knew.  I wanted to be pregnant.  I wanted to have this baby.  This is what I had wanted all along. 

Immediately, I calmed down, and finished driving to campus.  I was still shaking, I was still a little upset, but I knew I had to try to relax.  I called my dad to tell him what had happened.  I called the police to come and do a report for my insurance.  (Since I left the scene they wouldn't.) 

I was only about 8 weeks pregnant at the time.  I hadn't told anyone at work.  I hadn't told anyone except for very close friends and my mom and dad.  So I couldn't walk into the building and tell people that I hit a deer but I shouldn't be upset because of the baby.  I don't keep things to myself very well, but I did keep that.

I think shortly after that was when I started rubbing my belly.  I didn't know she was a girl yet.  I didn't know how I would do it.  I just knew that I really really really really wanted to.

1 comment:

Funky Mama Bird said...

I would have completely flipped out after hitting the deer as well.

I got accidentally-on-purpose pregnant with Gunne - we were soooo not trying, but I somehow got it into my head that a baby would be nice...

Yeah. We were having problems, and pretty much everyone we knew was like, "So. You won't be keeping it, right?" Well, you know how that one ended. =)