I thought I wanted to have a baby. On my own, even. But then I became a Big Sister to a significantly disadvantaged kid. And that wasn't going so well. So I decided that I really liked my single lifestyle, I really liked not having to be responsible for anyone but myself (and the dog and the cat), I really liked doing nothing all summer but laying next to the apartment complex pool being drunk and listening to bad radio.
And that's when it happened. A drunken escapade with the ex-boyfriend, and I got knocked up.
|Probably already pregnant here, just didn't know yet.|
I am an animal lover. Things like this upset me to a very extreme degree. I immediately became hysterical. Like, screaming in the car and freaking the total F out hysterical. I kept driving, and kept screaming. And then a thought.
Calm down, or you'll hurt the baby.
That was the moment I knew. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to have this baby. This is what I had wanted all along.
Immediately, I calmed down, and finished driving to campus. I was still shaking, I was still a little upset, but I knew I had to try to relax. I called my dad to tell him what had happened. I called the police to come and do a report for my insurance. (Since I left the scene they wouldn't.)
I was only about 8 weeks pregnant at the time. I hadn't told anyone at work. I hadn't told anyone except for very close friends and my mom and dad. So I couldn't walk into the building and tell people that I hit a deer but I shouldn't be upset because of the baby. I don't keep things to myself very well, but I did keep that.
I think shortly after that was when I started rubbing my belly. I didn't know she was a girl yet. I didn't know how I would do it. I just knew that I really really really really wanted to.