I Need A Friend ...

... (with benefits).  (If you know what I mean).

Um, mom, I'm about to talk about s-e-x so if that makes you uncomfortable, perhaps you should come back tomorrow.  And mention to my dad to skip this part, please?  kthxbye

I haven't been in a long-term relationship in a while.  I was married for a (short) (very short) period of time.  Then I did some internet dating (back when internet dating was more for the computer geek population and less for the general population.)  I met a guy that I dated for a couple of years, and afterward we remained good friends. 

I met another guy that turned out to be a womanizing drunk - this I find out after I fall madly in love and become convinced he's my soulmate.  Whatever.

That was all several years ago.

I used to live about a hundred miles away from where I do now.  I had dated, but for whatever reason it didn't work out.  However ... we sometimes would continue the physical aspect of the relationship after we determined that in other areas it wasn't working out - or wasn't going to.

I.e. ... Friends With Benefits

I don't have that here.

I moved back to the area where I grew up, went to high school, and then moved away.  Since I wasn't sexually active in high school, there really aren't any guys around here that I have "that kind" of history with.  Besides, most of them are married.

And really, can you facebook someone you haven't talked to for almost 20 years and be like "can we hook up?  Quietly, as to not wake a sleeping toddler in the next room?"

(No, I wouldn't do it with her in the house.  Well, maybe.  I am a little desperate here.)

I don't have the time or energy for any kind of serious relationship.  I have no life outside my wee one, and I wouldn't bring a relationship into my life with her until I was certain (like, beyond a doubt) about it. 

Besides, I'm not talking about a relationship.  I'm talking about ... benefits.

A guy that I used to date looked me up on facebook.  "Wow, you look great," he wrote.  "Are you still in the Cincinnati area?"

Nope.

I lightheartedly mentioned that I had moved closer to my parents because I had a baby.  I ended with "so what's new with you?"

Silence.

So much for that.

Craigslist had to take down their adult ads because of child sex trafficking.  So that's not even an option.

I mean, seriously, how hard is it to find a decent-looking 30-ish guy who would let me jump his bones for no-strings-attached fun?  I mean, I know I am a plus-size mama but seriously, is it that hard?

Yes, 30-ish.  I have enough issues without being a cougar too.